Read the first chapter
Contents
1. 17 He stood looking at me with apparent concern and sudden ly out of the blue he asks if by any chance I was brother of one Martine the wife of Simon B Unbelievable Just when I want to be totally anonymous because when you are committing suicide you want a litt le privacy after all the first doctor I consult in preparing for my miserable death is a friend of my sister and my bro ther in law Why is there always some burlesque detail even in the most dramatic situations that breaks up the solemn aura of the moment I wanted at least some melodrama This is not a circus not vaudeville its my life that s taking place and that s at stake here for Christ s sake In retrospect I have to admit at that point I didn t real ly think it was funny I was actually perturbed and embar rassed about having entrusted my desperation to this doc tor who had gone from being a total stranger to a friend of the family in just a few seconds Thanks whoever you are up there What an embarrassing situation of self mockery If it doesn t put you out to humiliate me a bit more go right ahead Dont think twice I m right here Even when I want to commit suicide I get no respect no one takes me se riously I get the impression that people think of me as one of the pathetic protagonists who often fill up Woody Allen movies 18 I wanted to shout to the sky There are people who are killing themselves here Can t we even get a2. At 1 25 I struggled onto my feet and bashfully asked to pay for my drink In my paranoia I thought the barman was throwing an accusing scowl my way and that above all eve ryone resented me for feeling uncomfortable in my skin It was as if I was revealing to people a hidden aspect of themselves they did not want to acknowledge By denying it we pretend that loneliness may forget us that we can 15 avoid it up through our old age that death will provide the ultimate escape for us poor unhappy make believers lost in a confused life of cop outs and camouflage worthy of a chameleon But I had lost my protection I was a wretched soul who little by little pulled back each layer of skin from the epi dermis down to my very flesh skin stripped off by vodka metaphysical thoughts whiskey a senseless universe barbi turates the horrid general relativity of Einstein by a mul ticellular life of which I was a sad product And of course soft drugs that distorted all the data in my poor sick mind Oh Marijuana so gentle but so enveloping that it trans ports you to a world where paranoia reigns absolute I felt that my body my soul my organs my cells hated me desperately for this awful state I had reduced them to in which they stewed throughout the day So they decided to make me pay the highest price slow torture The goal self destruction Like the delete key on a computer when you hit the button that s it every
3. Van Gogh Claude Monet Paul C zanne Salvador Dali Imagine the disparity Looking like an extra from La v rit si je mens but possessing the soul of an oversensitive haunted man Another little joke from my guardian angel who has a strange sense of humor you must admit I was so shy that in certain situations when someone stared at me or made a comment about me in public I would turn beet red I could feel the blood pounding in my cheeks I had the impression I was flushed red I would stutter and sweat the feeling was horrible At times like that all I wanted to do was save myself by running away as fast as I could as far as I could to go hide in a corner somewhere anywhere as long as no one could see 35 I was really hung up about everything I dreamed of coming from a bourgeois family with a father who was a doctor or a lawyer a French English or Swedish national anything but not pied noir Not a Jewish pied noir for pity s sake please There must ve been a slip up Hey you up there You ve got it wrong Mistakes can happen no problem I don t hold it against you Were still friends Just admit it and then fix it fast I cant stay like I am help me get me out of here Don t leave me like this But no way nothing no response not a sound total si lence They were probably ashamed for having to face up to the real situation face up to their colossal mistake In the meantime I was suffering
4. course from a 48 hour withdrawal But at the bot tom of my heart I knew very well that this euphoric condi tion was not going to last Once the effects of the drugs wore 26 off my existential fears and anxieties would overwhelm my mind again This I knew because I had been through it hun dreds of times before Why would they give up such easy prey Like the AIDS virus it s practically for life or more accurately for death I emptied all the boxes of Temesta onto the table and made a lovely little pile of pills shaped like a pyramid as if the aesthetic presentation mattered at a time like that Then I took a bottle of crystal clear vodka and poured myself a full glass I placed a dozen pills in the hollow of my hand and swallowed them with a big swig I did the same twice over determined as ever to put an end to my grim wretched exis tence On my fourth handful the phone began to ring At first I let it ring two or three times and then finally decided to pick it up not so much to answer the phone call as to stop the damn ringing that kept on jangling my brain circuits I was getting groggier because of all the crap I had swilled down by the end of that crazy morning I heard the voice of my friend Edouard emerging from some kind of radio static What are you doing tonight he en quired What could I possibly reply with Nothing special just a little suicide What are you doing buddy I obviously preferred to s
5. from an inferiority complex to a superiority complex destabilizing the people around me who couldnt tell whether I needed affection or a good kick in the ass a bit of both at different times An American scientist apparently has discovered that there is a gland that reacts differently in the presence of alcohol from one person to another just as sugar affects diabetics If these same people are a fertile seedbed because of a weak or destabilized personality they will try to use the lack of inhibition that comes with alcohol to create another perso nae But it will be based on this supplementary element a chemical element a substance modifying behavior and rea soning which will always be needed if its not absorbed example Gabriel nothing nothing Gabriel booze Mr Hyde super cool That was exactly my case I felt unsure of myself and boo 33 ze gave me the courage I lacked to express and assert my self Without alcohol I felt excluded and full of complexes pretending to be happy because I was afraid that people would run away from me My timing was always off my jokes fell flat I would get indignant at the wrong time I was a ridiculous clown a joker with no sense of humor whose inappropriate behavior made everyone feel uncomfortable I had real trouble with moments of silence I had to add so mething to fill in the blanks and I d always take it too far I felt like the bad moderator of some television game s
6. little respect Like the motorcycle couriers in Paris who have been shou ting the same thing at drivers for years Hey get a move on There are people working here Show a little respect Damn it At long last the doctor understood that I absolutely needed those drugs He prescribed a few boxes for me but he was still not really convinced He would have liked me to start psychotherapy right away I said yes to make him think I agreed with him and also to put an end to the discussion How could I tell him that the only reason for my visit was to get my hands on as many anxiolytics as possible so I could quietly kill myself by falling into a sweet soundless sleep like a contented child free from physical suffering What I really wanted to do was to scream at him psycho therapy isn t what I need I need a new brain a trade in for a brand new standard brain like changing the engine in a car Throw the other one in the trash There must be dumps ters for brains that dont work properly the ones that have some bug from the factory All of the best manufacturers are humble enough to recognize that sometimes things can go wrong Every week on the radio I hear Please bring back all vehicles belonging to these models serial numbers be ginning with they will be exchanged for a new vehicle 19 So why doesn t God do that for me I wanted a new brain with no ghosts no anxiety no fears and no invisible diabolical en
7. mind is clear In fact the problem is that an alcoholic only feels good when hes drunk enough not to see reality not to be weighed down by the imagined pressures in his dismal daily life So if there s one thing he really does not want it s a clear head In this particular case I must admit that for once I was not sorry to be coming back to reality It meant I wasn t going to die or at least not right away But what happened yesterday or maybe the day before to put me in this condition I d slept nearly 48 hours straight Okay Im beginning to remember Its slowly coming back to me Of course I d decided to kill myself Ah yes one more time I was sick of pretending to be happy pretending to be normal So after making it through a rough patch where I felt less and less human and more and more like a zombie I decided to put an end to my mental agony To reach that goal quickly and simply there was only one solution put an end to the count down that separated me from that crucial fatal moment the one where the candles are snuffed out making way for the final endless sleep When youre living in a logical vacuum what makes more sense than finding an illogical solution to irrational pro blems During that memorable night where each second flashed through my mind I had searched the house in vain for my survival pills those little white pills that I suddenly needed so much Not one left zilch my box was miserably
8. of the bed If I don t Fl surely die here like a dog overcome by this stone dead sleep I don t know how many pills or how much booze I guzzled the night before to wind up in this miserable state I don t give a damn I stopped checking or controlling my booze and barbiturate consumption ages ago I need them too much for my survival to help me in each and every moment of the nightmarish existence my life has become I m sweating dripping buckets and now I m drenched If I dont try to get up right now I may never get up again All my limbs seem anesthetized I can t move a single one of my leaden fingers I try to roll over so I can fall out of bed I have one single objective in mind not to fall back to sleep The best strategy would be to head for the bathroom I m convinced that it is my last chance for salvation I finally manage to roll out of bed and collapse on the floor with the muted sound of a sack of potatoes landing on a thick carpet I try desperately to reach that damned bathroom which seems so far away and unwilling to aid in my sur vival I inch forward on my hands and knees like a soldier slithering under barbed wire to escape from the enemy But I am the enemy the enemy is my drunkenness my despair Terrible but true I have become my own worst enemy How can I protect myself from myself Is it even possible Why does everything always seem to be against me as if I were cursed Why dont other peo
9. wasnt drinking Without that drug I felt empty stupid uninteresting devoid of personality with no depth and no soul Alcohol was a vital need like sap for trees or a blood transfusion for a patient It brought me back to life as it ran through my body my veins my brain my soul my heart All my organs felt alive again and could move in harmony with life like a rusty motor you add a drop of oil and that s all it takes The pistons start moving again Thanks to this wonderful redemptive liquid my body could come back to life my joints could bend my organs could fulfill their normal functions and my smile broke over my face I was transformed suddenly a skilled dancer up on stage At last rhythm was mine and coordination entered into my every move Many of my friends asked me why I became an alcoholic I dont really know Surely it was because I was uncomfor 32 table in my own skin I didn t want to be myself I wanted to be someone else In fact I was too shy too sensitive so easily hurt and with too many complexes too tense and too empty at the same time Actually I drank because alcohol had a strong effect on me After one or two drinks mixed with a few anti depressants I would be so high that I always wanted to drink more to maintain that surreal mystical and uninhibited condition in which my neuroses suddenly floated away After a few drinks I suddenly didnt have any more hang ups I would instantly switch
10. GABRIEL ALEXANDER S car er a RAIA PAR Ay ya 0 Gr Fh SECOND CHANCE CHAPTER ONE WHATEVER DOESN T KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER The piercing ring of the telephone rattles around my head but I can t manage to pull myself out of a deep dark sleep It seems impossible to find my way out of this overwhel ming stupor which leaves me paralyzed I feel like m being constantly pulled back down and wrapped up by Morpheus s stifling arms My survival instincts are sending out power ful distress signals Every cell in my body is warning me that I have to react immediately I ve got to answer this te lephone whose ringing shot that first jolting shock through my brain circuits After a long intense effort I manage to reach out with my hand and grab the damn phone before raising it slowly to my ear This takes so much energy that I m utterly exhausted I feel four times heavier than usual and lodged in my mattress What could have happened to put me in this state I feel like I m at the gates of Hell My head hurts so much I can feel my pulse pounding inside it as if someone is beating on my skull with a hammer I suddenly recognize my brother in law s voice He keeps repeating Hello Gabriel I try to answer him but I ve lost my voice The only sound that comes out of my mouth is my raspy breathing as if I have suddenly gone mute In a panic I slam down the receiver I ve got to get out
11. I wasn t in the right body and I didn t have the right brain nor was I in the right commu nity with the right family Somebody help me please But nobody seemed to give a damn So I would drink to drown out the pain and by drinking in an effort to become someone else I ended up develo ping two personalities I went schizo like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde There was the one who was too shy to speak out who didn t know how to laugh or enjoy life always awkward tense and anxious The other only had the courage to pop up when the jittery man in me drank down the magic po 36 tion Once he had slaked his thirst and fulfilled his need for drugs Mr Hyde would make his entrance and take over He knew how to respond to any and all sarcasm while looking people straight in the eye He could fire back in kind wit hout blushing stuttering or sweating He even made eve ryone laugh when he got started Boy I loved that guy and even admired him at times He knew how to talk to women to seduce them with a knowing playful look He knew what needed changing to improve the world he could talk about philosophy He gave me a chance to expound on all the books Id read and all the poems I love I could finally ex press my sensitivity without coming across as an awkward blushing clod who spoiled everything That was at the beginning when alcohol was my friend my accomplice and my crutch Alcohol makes you feel like you can take on the whole wo
12. ain as best I could but all of a sudden I started giggling under the effect of the drugs I d get out a few words while trying to remain straight faced and then I d burst into laughter again I apologized stupidly as I broke out laughing It was almost enough to make me cry 25 The craziest most ironic aspect of it was that I was trying to explain my black desolate mood to the doctor in front of me and how I needed antidepressants urgently to keep from falling into a deep depression but I couldn t stop laughing He gawked at me wide eyed without smiling ac tively ignoring my fits of laughter as if he hadn t noticed Then he complacently gave me the prescription I needed for my dear suicide I hurried out of his office trying clum sily to hide my giggles Even today I wonder what that doc tor thought on seeing me in that state My behavior was in total contradiction with my patient in distress story but hed probably seen worse As Jacques Brel said Next After a quick trip to another pharmacy for more ammuni tion I finally got back to my parents home with a shopping bag full of wonderfully crisp nourishing pills Fortunately no one was home my family had gone on vacation and my brother Michel only showed up for a few hours every other day or so between his time at the clubs Half stoned I wasn t even depressed I felt more playful ful ly intoxicated by my recent heavy consumption of pills the result of
13. ay that I was busy with a lot of different stuff 27 He was surprised by my drowsy voice not surprising after swallowing more than 50 Temesta He wanted me to join him at the jewelry store because he was with two cute girls one of whom apparently had seen me before and she seemed interested in meeting me She must have been struck by my looks because we had never actual ly spoken I cant I absolutely have to finish this thing I ve already started I told Edouard A little later in the conver sation he quite cleverly asked whether I might be able to postpone what I was doing which made something click in my head Why not after all I told myself I can finish off my suicide tomorrow There s no rush Nobody s waiting for me up there and even if someone is there doesn t seem to be any special hurry I ll still be alive enough no less than today in any case to commit suicide tomorrow as I had promised and end my miserable life So why not enjoy this lovely evening which chance has sent my way with a pretty blonde on my arm one more time It would be crazy to refuse I had such a terrible time last night that I deserve a little fun My mind was completely hazy after all the drugs I had taken but I took out my cute white convertible and drove through Paris at more than 178 km hr The police photograph and the ticket I got later attested to my madness a type of lu nacy that was as dangerous for me as it would have
14. been 28 for any unlucky pedestrians who might have crossed my warpath staring into the lights of a car managed by an un manageable man Edouard and the two girls were waiting for me in front of the jewelry store Polite yet brief introductions were nee ded I was so stoned from my booze drug concoction that I couldnt really see the features of the blonde s face She mi ght as well have been wearing a veil All four of us took off in my glamorous convertible with our hair blowing in the wind in my case with my brain blowing in the wind La Dolce Vita I thought idiotically We decided to go into a pizzeria near Saint Germain des Pr s where I drank wine and liquor all night I barely touched my food because eating would sober me up and I was feeling too good in my drunken state to make that kind of mistake Can you imagine For once I had gotten rid of the demons who were always badgering me and who delighted in injecting negative thoughts into my neurons It was pure bliss We went onto a trendy club for the rest of that incredible evening I ordered a bottle of good vodka Nice and cold please with ice I just wanted to show off like a would be connoisseur even though I was well past the point where I could tell the difference between vodka and any other boo 29 ze I drank nearly the entire bottle on my own pretending to be having a terrific time but I was so drunk that I stretched out on the bench afte
15. ely hed never heard of me I located all the local doctors None of them opened before 1 30 so I was forced to wait a little while before I could end my pitiful existence I spent my time loitering in a very noisy smoky caf In that meaningless clamor all the local proletarians and bureau crats came to quickly eat their lunch with a thirst quenching beer no harm done it was lunchtime after all A perfect atmosphere for my last minutes on earth dont you think I ordered a coke because I couldn t force booze down my throat without my daily dose of pharmaceutical drugs In fact although I didn t truly realize it I was suffering from 13 withdrawal physically and mentally So what I absolutely needed were my anxiolytics Seated at a small table near the window with a parched mouth and a lump in my throat caused by my perpetual anxiety I raised a toast to myself this is my last Coke To make matters worse my mouth was so dry I couldn t get the liquid down I couldn t drink a single drop of that wonder ful brew as bad as it is strangely addictive Its stupid but at that point I started to cry My body was in such distress that I couldn t even take in food or drink I was so very sad tears ran down my cheeks No one was looking at me nor could they see me I was alone in the middle of a noisy tur bulent sea of people where I had nothing to say to anyone and no one had anything to say to me There s no worse soli
16. emies in the form of thoughts one different from the brain whose only objective was to see me land in a psychiatric hospital clad in a first class straitjacket surrounded by padded walls to protect me from myself and from my own sick mind poor ass that I had be come By the end of my visit the doctor had also prescribed a litt le bottle to help me sleep I was to take eight drops only certainly no more than that before going to bed Well he didn t need to remind me of that This little bottle would serve a great and noble cause for my last trip towards the kiss of death Thank you dear local doctor You ve done a favor to a great man meaning larger than life in suffering and selfishness My dear friend you are doing the entire country a favor and General de Gaulle himself thanks you personally and salutes you on my behalf I left the doctor feeling a little worse than when I came in I headed for the pharmacy across the street The woman behind the counter looked at me with a mix of sadness and disgust I hate that kind of false compassion from someone who looks at you with a distasteful expression that means Oh that poor dear Thank God I m not like him To hell 20 with all of you and your bogus pity I picked up the prescriptions and hurried off to tell the same tall tale to the next GP Earlier that morning I had chosen several doctors to be sure I would get enough drugs to pull off my life saving suicide succ
17. empty Zero a figure that in no time flat wreaks havoc with your evening and makes sleep impossible It was Sunday and my stock of Temesta my sweet legal drug sold by my two fa vorite pushers my doctor and my pharmacist was entirely depleted That night as I lay in bed in the throes of withdrawal eve rything was blown out of proportion No way to sleep pa nicked distressed I sweated buckets I tossed and turned constantly in my hot soaked sheets and stared hopelessly at the ceiling in an effort to calm my anxieties After a few hours of that ordeal which would destroy the morale of the happiest guy on the block which was far from the case where I found no way out of my anxiety totally unable to haul myself out of the titanic depression that en gulfed me I drafted a radical plan to get rid of this cruel mistress that I called my suffering I decided once and for all to do away with my faithful exclusive companion that unbearable daily pain which had blown up to gigantic pro portions that night It seemed to me that best way to get rid of the enemy within was to destroy its habitat The plan was simple and clear a nice tidy suicide with a goodbye letter as touching as possible intelligent too to make sure that everyone finally realized how sensitive and refined I was After all if I m going to die lets have every body admire the act 10 All I had to do the next morning was make the rounds to
18. en you fall into its clutches and soon becomes so gnawing that it ends by tightening its grip around your throat like some giant octopus At first it makes love to you Then it rapes you every day minute by minute It becomes a demanding ruthless mistress whose spiky arms and sharp fingers pierce you like razor blades down to the deepest part of your being to your organs and entrails 39 I remember a Pakistani artist who showed his paintings in Boulevard Saint Germain He displayed them with a sign bearing a slogan that hurt every time I saw it If you are not in tune with the world then you are getting in the world s way I felt that it was addressed to me personally I constantly felt out of step with the world and couldnt really communicate with anyone I was afraid to talk to my friends about my anxieties for fear they would run away My brain wasn t working the way it should I didn t have the right instructions I had lost the user s manual I loved life but couldn t manage to live with my fellow man without bumping into him and upsetting him without saying the wrong thing and acting like a jerk When I finally managed to haul myself out of the chair after several hours of semi consciousness my eyes bloodshot my face and my mouth still numb nearly anesthetized like the feeling of walking out of a good neighborhood dentist I took a few steps in the living room massaging my thighs to get the blood moving Fina
19. essfully I arrive at the office of the second doctor well known for his accommodating consultations and sick leave certificates I m greeted in the waiting room where a lot of people most ly North Africans are waiting Are they more fragile or sic ker than others Or are they special friends of the neighbo rhood doctor I as a Jew from North Africa should I be riddled with all the diseases Is that why I feel sicker than everyone else why I spend so much time in doctors waiting rooms Finally that explains everything It s funny how I wrote North Africans Here I am using a politically correct term so I can talk about Arabs without sounding a racist Is it racist to say Arabs The same holds for the word Jew It sounds like an insult Thats why some people say Israelites Israelis or of the Jewish persuasion But I m not a racist Or maybe I am but against all the fas cists the pigs the bastards who want to impose their ideas 21 their viewpoint on others against men who beat and ha rass women children and animals so they can puff up their chests and feel as if they are more dominant and stronger than others Oh I am prejudiced against those people I dont like Arabs who act that way It s true But I don t like it when Jews or Frenchmen or anybody else does the same Moreover whatever my origins there are some Arabs I like a lot and some Jews I don t like at all and vice versa Most of the A
20. gaudy eccentric colors cheap kitschy gondolas in green and blue a pink doll bought at some junk market in Italy gold plated candlesticks a ba roque chandelier in imitation crystal a phony Louis XIV living room set at odds with a super modern television No thing goes together It s an apartment in the purest working class style in the meanest sense of the term The walls are as thin as rolling papers which give you the dubious ad vantage of allowing you to hear the neighbors as they flush the toilet make love and most ironically whisper their little secrets to each other This cheap cardboard decor is my parents apartment where I was raised and spent my very painful teenage years where my existential anxieties were the most intense Five sisters three brothers and my parents more than ten people trying to find a way to live under the same roof For someone like me who had always wanted to be an only child and have everybody look after me and pay attention to what happened to me I could hardly dream of anything better But instead what I got was just a disregarded spot in family where everyone had their own problems Of course I was self centered and egotistical like everyone who is neu rotic and unhappy Sprawled out on the center sofa in that meaningless living room my mind gradually begins to clear which doesnt mean things are improving An alcoholic is extremely poor company for himself especially when his
21. heir own intrinsic free dom Those are the people who seem to me to be of another race another religion not people who come from different countries or have different traditions The end of my first rant I waited impatiently for my turn in the second doctor s wai ting room where the atmosphere was less than pleasant Whispering noises comings and goings and smells that 24 made me think more of a Social Security office as Jacques Chirac so elegantly put it than a doctor s waiting room I was feeling increasingly ill queasier with every passing mi nute I was very uneasy and tried to avoid eye contact with the people around me It had been 48 hours since I d taken an antidepressant or any other of my pills so I was in the horrible grip of withdrawal Suddenly I had a very practical idea while I was waiting to swallow my 200 anxiolytics to implement my pre planned passing nothing was stopping me from going to the toilet and slipping down a well deserved dozen or so That way I d feel less anxious and a little less stressed about talking to that kind accommodating doctor By the time it was my turn to see him the antidepressants had begun to go to work on my body and mind Suddenly I felt more relaxed more easy going I wanted to enjoy my self to laugh I was almost euphoric The doctor politely asked me to come into his office and with a sober serious look on his face asked what the matter was I tried to expl
22. how trying awkwardly to justify his pay by unnecessarily adding another stupid joke I was tiresome for people who loved me and annoying for those who didnt I ve always had complexes I wanted to be blonde with blue eyes and straight hair I wanted people to say Look what an angel and blonde too just like a little angel Instead I was dark with curly hair and it was easy to see my Middle Eastern origins I wanted to look like a Westerner French English or better still Swedish but I was a Jew born in Tu nisia What a paradox for a little pied noir And I hated that word pied noir In my mind as a child it meant that my feet were dirty At that stage the comment that really irked me the most was when people said pejoratively pied noirs theyre just like Arabs aren t they I always tried to find a way of get 34 ting around that Arab origin No dammit Pied noirs are colonialists we are French sent to occupy the colonies that had been conquered by soldiers at the behest of France We were sent to serve France No one ever understood That was what truly annoyed me and got on my nerves I love Jacques Brel Jean Ferrat L o Ferr Georges Brassens Barbara Jean Paul Sartre Stendhal I knew all the songs of le grand Jacques by heart I could recite an entire song from his repertoire starting with a single word I love litera ture poetry opera exhibits impressionistic and surrealistic painting
23. itic or anti American In any case I have something of all three cultures in me I dont care for religious people I dont like fanatics either But religious fanatics are the one category of people that totally exasperates me They often take advantage of a mi sinterpretation or their own interpretation of holy books to dominate and manipulate their wives their families and others around them It took so much courage and tenacity for women to gain their independence and their freedom that it truly sorrows me to see them demanding the right to regression because of religious practices family constraints or some need to highlight their differences And these religious practices only correspond to the trappings of religion Religion is so mething that must be lived on inside The difference should 23 be seen from the inside out not the other way round The women I feel the worst about are those who blindly obey rigid constraints who completely cover their heads and bodies with scarves wigs and other symbolic tokens of submission standard practice for Orthodox Jews and Muslims It s like seeing a crocodile in a leather workshop or a beautiful stag willing walks past a horde of hunters thirsty for trophies made out of the heads of poor animals killed for just that reason There are some things I simply dont understand in this world all these people acting against their own interests their own sensibilities and fighting t
24. lly I d made it I was back in the world of the living Welcome back my friend The good life is about to start again just like before Not to worry no thing changed while you were away What great news All your fears your anxieties your terrors your apprehensions 40 your bad vibes and your demons everyone is here All your friends have made it to celebrate your homecoming They are so happy to see their stupid egoistic prey again Magni ficent isn t it Isn t life great If that s not love what is The telephone rang thank God for telephones I answered with a shaky voice I hated answering a telephone sober A woman s voice was saying Are you okay I was worried I ve been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday It was Sylvie the charming blonde from the day before yester day She wanted to invite me to dinner at her house that day if I didn t mind if her four year old daughter was with us When you are desperate you dont mind anything You are more afraid that others will mind your lack of substance your inner emptiness your hollow out of synch soul and personality Having nothing else to do I stopped by her house around seven in the evening with a frozen smile on my face as I went in She said politely that I didn t look as if I was feeling very well I tried a second awkward smile stuttered a few words of apology and sat down at the table She tried to make conversation and I tried to ans
25. looked at me with revulsion and shame But I was sick seriously sick My soul was suffering but 43 it didnt show in an open wound or an identifiable virus Depression is a disease that is only really recognized when the visible symptom is expressed in the most ghoulish way when the person suffering from depression tries to commit suicide or better still when he succeeds in the major feat of ending his poor miserable life Then everyone turns into a charitable soul Oh the poor thing He must really have been hurting to have been driven to that The poor dear I would really have loved to comfort him to take him in my arms to give him love and affection They should have done it before it was too late Afterwards he doesn t give a damn about your love and compassion hes dead disappeared gone reduced to nothing Nada So get the bandages out when hes still just injured not later when it s too late A dead person does not feel your love nor does he want your support or the so called affection that you had to give him before the ultimate act People should be taught to recognize the symptoms of distress depression anxiety and inner isolation How can we help young people whose lives are a struggle whose souls are bleeding while the hemorrhaging gradually drains away the invisible substance that forges the soul the spi rit that gives the soul density I felt empty just a breath of air with no integrity no de
26. ly over others Come to think of it isn t that just what I was trying to do for years with the help of booze but without any real success No need to go into the many times I slept in the rooms of women I have totally forgotten their faces their names and even their existence All the vomiting in nightclub res trooms the little accidents on the road the memory loss the crying fits and the hideous mornings when with a pounding head and aching soul I felt so ashamed that I would rather have been dead Frustration anxiety fear tears paranoia 38 misogyny depression lies I knew them all I had every illness every type of dread and sorrow anxiety paranoia schizophrenia megalomania By now you have a better idea of why I was ready to put an end to my futile existence My life had no substance no in tegrity no authenticity It was empty and phony so much hot air Even a breeze had more density to it At times I felt more useless than a fly My anxiety rages so strongly some times I could hardly breathe without feeling a stabbing pain in my lungs and ribcage A tight throat and cottonmouth is all I know day in day out For however familiar it may have become can you get used to such suffering Personally I don t know I never really could I have always tried to resist to struggle to go down swinging in all to bea difficult foe to vanquish But extreme suffering is an intense mental pain that you feel wh
27. n Paris where I would be sure not to bump into anyone I knew But I did end up running into a few 42 people and they would ask Hey how s it going I didn t know what to say I thought that my unhappiness was so visible that I couldn t hide it For that matter what could I say Well actually Pm a mess I try not to think about sui cide too much but its hard I have trouble with day to day life and my anxieties make it difficult to breathe That was the truth Although in no way did I have the cou rage to admit it to anyone So if I happened to meet someone by chance I would stutter a few embarrassed words with a silly smile and like Jacques Brel I would apologize for not being more out of the way People would look at me with a pained expression that was a mixture of disgust and pity These accidental meetings were painful for me I hated being what I had become a stupid insipid buffoon colorless odorless the epitome of nothingness a puff of hot wind a poor lost soul wandering through the streets of the city I felt disconnected from other human beings I couldn t identify with anyone and I sadly thought I was the only person in that condition It never crossed my mind that other people might feel the same suffering I envied everyone including the sick even those with cancer because they had the right to have their suffering recognized Not me I had no visible disease which no doubt was why most people
28. nsity I hardly dared to say hello for fear of disturbing people who seemed to live normally My soul was gradually leaking like a wounded body oo 44 zing blood But unfortunately for me it wasn t visible like a bodily injury where trickling blood would have incurred general empathy However a soul that is spilling out evapo rating is colorless invisible to most people save those who have learned to see with their hearts I felt so helpless so alone so disconnected from others that I envied the entire world everyone who didnt have the bad luck of being me SECOND CHANCE If you like and want to read the all book 245 pages you can order it but only in amazon com as we are avery small publishing company and cant afford the price to be everywhere We also choose amazon because they print book directly from your order then no extra book or paper in the garbage then its better for our beautiful planet Thank you for your time 45
29. ought Pll sleep that much better and I have a whole night s sleep to catch up on There is no limit to madness That was what had really happened 48 hours before I woke up so sluggishly in my parent s apartment I understand the situation better now and it was for that reason that I had slept so much There I was draped in the armchair waiting for the effects of the various drugs I d taken two days ago to wear off so I could finally get up I ve talked to a doctor about this episode several years la ter He told me that with everything I had swallowed I was surely on the verge of death and am lucky to be here today to talk about it Many people in similar circumstances we rent so lucky Suicide the primary cause of death among young people At the time I was just 20 years old I stayed put sprawled in that armchair like a deposed king I couldn t move I could hardly breathe properly I let my life flash before my eyes dwelling on everything I had done or 31 not done for that matter that had brought me here com pletely lost facing the total defeat of my existence For me the question was not why I drank but how I ma naged not to drink all the time To live with my sick mind I had to be doused in alcohol and drugs from morning to night No one can live with so many demons in his head without turning to tranquilizers and other forms of relief There is no pain in alcohol Suffering for me came when I
30. ple look after me a bit more After all dont they know who I am Its ME The superior ME The one who thinks that he alone suffers exis tential problems Yes ME the fallen enfant king lost in his own fantastic parallel universe Me that eternal egotist the immature adolescent who has a never ending need for the love and attention from those around him The desires and needs of others were of course less impor tant from my egocentric point of view to be sure My mind full of my most intimate thoughts seems to want to pull me into a dark pit to drag me into the abyss that houses hopeless rejects all those who never learned to blend in with the crowd who couldn t fit into the mold that society imposed on them Its a mold that s too limited too much of caricature too tight for some certainly for me and for everyone who like me knows neither true communica tion nor laughter nor sleep nor the simple act of living not without a tiny pill or a little drink The drink doesn t matter as long as you are drunk This corny clich from the poet Alfred de Musset has a lot of meaning for those of us who have the misfortune of being soul sick alcoholics people for whom emotion means frustration Constantly living in this condition was sheer misery for me It felt as if nothing nor anyone could free me Condemned to death or condemned to live like this until my last hour which is even more terrifying After five in
31. r kissing the poor girl who didn t seem to be too upset by my condition To this day I dont know how I managed to drive through Paris in that state drop the girl off at four in the morning and get home again I remember that my eyes were mere slits and that I could hardly tell the difference between sto plights and neon lights I finally got back to my apartment at 11 Rue de l Ourcq in the nineteenth arrondissement a place for working class people like me My neighbor s dad was a garbage man and mine whom I adored pumped gas I pulled up in front of the entrance to my building opened the car door got one foot out and then the other but there was no way I could stand up I decided to crawl on all fours but even that was too hard I began to crawl along more like a crocodile than a snake Luckily I lived on the first floor like any self res pecting drunk it took me a good twenty minutes to put the key in the lock I was finally at home wait at my parents home in that wonderful cozy setting Before going to bed I suddenly remembered that the kind neighborhood doctor had said Before going to bed my dear sick friend take eight drops 30 of this miracle bottle Eight drops no more After that ap parently I would sleep like an angel I grabbed the magic potion but I was too tired and too drunk to count drops so I just took a clumsy swig and almost finished the bottle It doesn t matter anyway I th
32. rabs I know are sensitive sympathetic humane people One of my closest friends and someone whom I really consider like a brother is named Samy El Ouardani He is a Tunisian Arab and a Muslim And he is one of the gentlest and kindest people I have ever had the good for tune to meet I personally don t feel that I really belong to the Jewish community I feel that I m a citizen of the world and of the universe We have no idea how many planets there are out there Billions probably How many of those planets are in habited by sentient beings who like us are more or less evol ved For that matter why should we care about the origin of the beings we have met or will meet What matters is their capacity to understand and love others whether they are part of the human or animal race or any other Kindness and humor for me take precedence over any other criteria What s important cannot be seen by the naked eye What s 22 important is the soul that thing which cannot be touched but which causes us love or hate someone as demonstrated in Saint Exuperys wonderful Le Petit Prince I love people for their sensitivity and their inner beauty the rest dont really interest me whether they are Jewish Arab English American Martian I reserve the right to say that I dont like certain types of behavior that would be conside red typically Arab or typically Jewish or typically American without worrying about being called racist anti Sem
33. rld that there is nothing you can t do For example explaining to the President of the Republic how to behave how to run the country or the world for that matter nothing could be easier or more straightforward The downside you naive pack of blind narrow minded drunks and druggies is that when alcohol sets a trap it doesn t show you its dark side on the first date It starts by seducing you enticing you with the power you will acquire free of charge with its support and companionship A bit like the old Michel Simon G rard Philippe film La Beaut du diable which seemed to apply so well to me when I saw 37 it again not long ago When I first saw that movie I had no understanding of the meaning of life I didn t see why the hero refused Mephis topheles proposal to be powerful strong and envied even if others were to suffer Suffering after all is part of life and not really a problem so in the end tough luck for them What is more I wasn t the one who was going to suffer the burden would be on others And it was all for a good cause the only important cause to my mind ME Me my hap piness my hunger for power and recognition were all that mattered I wanted to be loved to be admired to see people bow to my intelligence and my exceptional wit At that time I would have jumped at the chance to accept that fantastic generous proposal The beauty of the devil to be strong and powerful to walk ruthless
34. terminable minutes I finally manage to lean on the bidet and hoist myself up over the sink I turn on the faucet and let the water run over my hand but I hardly feel any sensation My body is so numb that I can t truly tell the difference between hot and cold I decide to put my head under the tap To do that I have to make one last enormous effort to pull myself up I draw up my last reserves of energy found in my desperation final ly the water starts to trickle down my forehead and streams down my face I have the horrifying sensation that my face is no longer made of the same substance that it has become hard insen sitive as if its covered with a coat of resin like some strange mask stuck to my skin I can t feel anything I can hardly tell the difference between hot and cold Maybe I m dying just like that stupidly in this quaint little bathroom I who always dreamed of a fabulous destiny is going to come to end in this drab apartment in a dilapidated house project I dont really know why I put up such a fight for survival I ve wanted to commit suicide for years I should almost be content with the way things are going But not that day no way Dying then was not what I wanted at least not at that point in time not in that place not like that Someone who wishes to commit suicide only accepts such a death on his own terms when he chooses the time and place otherwise the instinct for survival always wins o
35. that either for fear of mocking his genuine distress You ve got to say depressed people are a pain particularly those with chronic depression who are constantly haunted by their own shadows That was exactly it I had become a nuisance I who was full of such hopes and dreams for young Gabriel often said When I grow up I ll be a singer a film director a sea cap tain I ll be ll be All kids dream like that don t they But no this was the end for me no more dreams no more plans and no more grand voyages This was to be the end of everything I was going to put a definitive stop to any idea of the future I spent a fair part of the night imagining my funeral I can assure you that in the scenario had I dreamed up for myself everybody was crying my parents my brothers and sisters my friends They were all deeply unhappy about not un 12 derstanding earlier that I needed a helping hand some cha ritable generous and sympathetic support Once I had run through a few rehearsals of my heart ren ding funeral I was ready that morning for the act that would seal my fate and forever unite me with all the accursed ar tists those who were so misunderstood so oversensitive clairvoyant realistic the ones I listed as Verlaine Rimbaud Proust and me But I was proudest of all and I was still pretending to be myself as my adoptive godfather Jacques Brel once sang The adoption was one sided because unfor tunat
36. the local doctors and tell them that my family doctor was on vacation and that I was about to go to the USA for three months so I needed my usual dose of tranquilizers and blah blah blah Early that morning I got up from my prison bed which I lived in like a strait jacket despite that no one had forced me to sleep there but by some subtle evil I felt drawn to the mattress as if by a magnet That night it had become my sad fate I remember clearly that I pulled my jeans on noiselessly to keep from waking my little brother Michel a brother I didn t get along with then and still don t today now 20 years down the line Over time I ve understood that there are people who arent necessarily bad they may even be good souls but you ll just never get along with them Once I was appropriately dressed to meet death I headed out to the street with a lump in my throat After all I had de cided to kill myself With a touch of nostalgia I kept telling myself sadly Hey this is the last time I ll see that neighbor the last time TIl go past that caf see the concierge and all those eccentric neighbors who had populated my child 11 hood I was sure of one thing they wouldnt miss me Nobody misses a distraught man because he makes everyone un comfortable You dont know what to do around someone like that If youre really happy you feel bad about showing it in front of him if you feel blue you dont want to show
37. thing is irrevocably des troyed In my case there was no longer any PAUSE button When I finally left that charming caf I had a pounding headache and my ears couldn t make sense the sounds of life around me footsteps cars I was losing more and more of my animal instinct the instinct for self protection and 16 the indispensable instinct for survival I moved towards the lobby of the first doctor s building keeping my head low so I wouldnt make eye contact with people passing by and ultimately upset them with my dis comfort I didn t dare to bring any attention to my existence My constant depression forced me to be discreet However like all alcoholics all it took was my dose to become loud rude and rowdy Finally I entered the doctor s office and found an unfami liar pot bellied round faced little man probably from Nor th Africa He didn t look like an Arab more likely a pied noir no doubt Jewish like me But on that day I wasnt a Jew or a pied noir I wasn t French I was no longer part of the human race I now counted myself among the living dead who had lost their minds in the bottomless black hole of despair Desperation has no religion no nationality no life and no utility I didn t dare look straight at the doctor I mumbled a few words stuttering and sweating with nervousness I even tried a clever little buddy buddy smile when I talked to him but it didn t look like he was going to buy my story
38. tude being in the amidst of a crowd of your peers your so called human brothers feeling as lonely as someone shipwrecked and alone in the middle of the ocean Well for someone like me who loves melodramas that was just what I needed and more I didnt dare make eye contact with anyone I had the im pression that I looked so sad so scared and tormented that I was bound to upset all those good people so ordinary and stable I stared at the table in front of me to keep from dis turbing them those real human beings who seemed happy 14 to live despite their stupid monotonous lives Happy are the empty headed I thought condescendingly mulling it over with fake intellectual humility I was too intelligent to be happy too accustomed to exis tence in this mediocre human condition that our declining society had laid out for us My mind had already figured it all out I couldn t be satisfied with the absurd little plea sures that seemed to satisfy most of these silly naive people Arent I proud Yes but when youre in that condition you don t even realize that pride is the cause of loneliness and often the reason for most sorrows And after all when you are genuinely unhappy it helps to believe that it s because youre too intelligent rather than the other way around A slap in the face for Verlaine and the wretched modern day poets myself included who think they are intelligently un happy and painfully misunderstood
39. ut Fortunately or unfortunately whichever I gradually be gin to feel the coolness of water on my skin eyelids and lips I opened my mouth to let in some of that blessed water which by now was pouring all over the place Little by little I came back to life Hallelujah That was then I know or rather I feel that I can make it now Life the gods the universe has given me another chance Why Maybe they didn t really feel like it Maybe I m not quite ripe for the kiss of death for the crossover to the great beyond At least that s what the old gentleman seems to be saying the one with a long white beard perched up there on a soft white cloud whose sense of humor seems very odd or even over the ages rather belligerent and bloodthirsty A few minutes after my cool bath I gradually start to see through my heavy drowsiness I decide to go sit on the couch in the living room across from the family TV set with its screen that lights up the hosts of morbid grotesque evenings and conditions us tirelessly to have small desires for assembly line consumer products both useless and su perfluous I struggle back to my laughable throne that royal seat for a good for nothing an unemployed insignificant sleepwalker I drag myself along as best I can and finally manage to col lapse on the cheap brown leather sofa designed in admi rable imitation of some fake English style Everything in this apartment is in poor taste
40. wer as best I could In fact my mouth was shaking every time I said a word Her daughter was staring at me surprised and unnerved by this strange adult who was so unsure of himself 41 Sylvie was trying to keep up a conversation when suddenly I couldn t take it anymore I broke out crying sobbing buc kets choking on my tears like an unhappy child In a gesture more motherly than sensual she took me in her arms and tried to comfort me Then she asked me to wait in her room while she put her daughter to bed that s just what I did When she came back in the room she put her arms around me again as I cried softly for a few minutes and then I spent the entire night curled up in her lap like a child too scared to leave his mother She actually had to break my hold in the middle of the night so she could to use the bathroom I moved into her place and almost became her second child for a few months just long enough for my inner wounds to heal God how I needed that tenderness Then I left ran away As soon as people got too close to me I couldn t stand it so I would leave I would disappear because their love smothered me I couldn t love myself so how could anyone else love me After leaving Sylvie s I spent some months pretending that I was normal like everyone else The role was a hard one but fortunately booze and pills helped a lot Some days I would wander all day long choosing isolated well to do neighborhoods i
Download Pdf Manuals
Related Search