ii TCU/DATAR Manual This module was developed as part of NIDA
Contents
1. What are your feelings about condoms Why do men tend to have a negative attitude about condoms Process questions How can men improve their attitudes about condoms What are the benefits of condoms 5 Discuss the importance of condoms if either partner contin ues to inject drugs Many women and children have been infected with HIV not because they are unfaithful or their men are unfaithful but because their men inject drugs Sharing needles syringes cottons or cookers can spread this virus Even in a faithful relationship a man who shoots up has the responsibility to protect his partner and his children from the threat of HIV by using condoms 6 Provide closure by wrapping up on some of the key points raised in this session Here are some ideas for closing comments Sex is an important part of our lives and our well being Weve talked today about some of the biological aspects of the sex act and some of Time Out For Men 133 Loving Relationships the day to day aspects of sex as well Remember that learning about sex is a lifelong process The more we know the more comfortable we become in our relationships It s unfortunate that many men have been brainwashed to think that what they do sexually is a reflection of how much of a man they are A man s self esteem and sense of pride should come from who he is and how he treats others not from how well or how often he performs a physical act For many m2. Orgasmic Phase Wow Resolution Phase Resting What Women Say Write out key points on a large piece of flip chart Never Use Force paper or poster board It is never alright to use force as shown or violence Share Responsibility In a Sexual Relationship Both partners are responsible for birth control and safer sex What Women Say Communicate Openly Share feelings thoughts and needs Be Considerate Care about your partner s feelings Respect Sexual Privacy Don t brag or tell stories TCU DATAR Manual Obtain demonstration materials Photocopy handouts fi Assemble items for conducting a safer sex demonstration including a penis model condoms spermicides nonoxynol 9 water based lubricants K Y and the female condom Local agencies such as public health department AIDS service organizations or family planning clinics such as Planned Parenthood may have safer sex kits available for loan Another Myth Quiz worksheet p 135 Another Myth Quiz Answer Sheet handout pp 136 138 Self Help for Sexual Problems handout p 139 Condoms and Safer Sex handout p 140 Partner Interview homework p 141 Session Evaluation form p 142 gt 2 Time Out For Men Procedure Welcome and Process Homework Welcome participants as they arrive Use the first 10 15 minutes to review and process the home work assignment Begin by reviewing a few k
3. on flip chart paper or erasable board and discuss them Use some of the following ques tions How do we learn what a good lover is What images do we get in the media movies TV Are these images helpful or realistic How can we learn to be better lovers Wrap up with the following ideas To summarize this discussion I think what we re hinting at here is that being a good lover is more about who a man is and how he treats his partner than it is about what he does or how he performs in bed Once again a lot of it comes back to that idea of having an assertive attitude an attitude of mutual respect openness listening and compromise I can guarantee that 97 of women would choose a man who respects her and listens to her over a man with a large penis any day In fact we have the results of an informal survey in which women list what s important for men to remember if they want to be good lovers husbands and partners Let s see what we can learn from the ladies Here s what women say 129 130 S Flip chart Loving Relationships 4 Use the prepared flip chart What Women Say to highlight the issues Encourage participants questions and discussion Here are some ideas for leading the discussion Never Use Force It is never alright to use force or violence with a sexual partner The media and other fantasy sources of information about relationships have presented a lot of unhealth
4. time getting and keeping an erection Heavy use of heroin cocaine and other street drugs cause problems with sexual functioning as well Illnesses such as high blood pressure and diabetes affect blood flow and circulation and can cause problems with erections Certain medicines used to treat illnesses may have an impact on our sexuality Negative feelings such as anger tension guilt fear depression or shame can crawl in bed with us too and cause problems Past experiences that were painful humiliating or frightening can leave us wounded and unable to respond sexually in the present This is especially true for people who were sexually abused or raped 138 TCU DATAR Manual Self Help for Sexual Problems Talk it over with your partner Be patient gentle and understanding with each other Don t rush things Keep communication open and stay close in other ways Hug touch kiss and express af fection in other ways Don t pressure yourself or your partner to be sexual If you use alcohol marijuana or other street drugs assume that these substances are likely connected to the problem Stop using Talk with your substance abuse counselor for advice Talk with a trusted experienced friend or family member about the problem Choose someone who you know will keep your confi dence Go to the library or bookstore and read up on the problem You can call a local help line or family planning clinic to ask fo
5. we feel very threatened when we sometimes can t deliver the goods Being unable to perform sexually can upset us clear down to our souls That s the price we pay for buying into the idea that sex somehow proves our manhood Nowadays there s another price to pay HIV infection and AIDS has entered the picture on a collision course with this male ideal that the more sex you can have the better Hundreds of thousands of men have died or are dying from this disease Countless others have brought the infection home and their wives partners and children are dead or dying from the disease too As men we have a responsi bility to take this disease seriously protect ourselves and protect our families The public health folks will tell you that abstinence not having sex is the only 100 sure way to prevent getting or spreading HIV This is true and abstinence is always a choice We have the right to turn down or refuse sexual contact anytime we want and it won t make us any less of aman Women have the right to not have sex too As men we need to learn to respect that Let s have a heart to heart about the main safer sex options that we can use to protect ourselves and those we care about condoms and monogamy or being faithful Discuss issues related to monogamy as a safer sex option Write the word monogamy on a piece of flip chart paper and ask partici pants to help you list alternative definitions or descrip
6. en staying faithful is difficult The more difficult it is for a man the more courageous and strong he is when he s able to do it Next week is the last session of this workshop We ll spend some time tying up loose ends and bringing together all that we ve learned We ll also have a graduation party and graduation certificates to recognize the good work that s been done in this group Homework p 141 Evaluation p 142 Homework Partner Interview Introduce the homework assignment and distribute the Part ner Interview worksheets Here are some ideas for introducing the homework Your homework assignment is to sit down with your partner and share with her some of the information you learned today Also since this is the last homework assignment there s an inter view exercise to do with your partner This is similar to one from the first session Your role is to find a quiet time to sit with your partner Ask her to complete the questions on the homework sheet When she is finished sit together and discuss her answers Remember to listen to ask for clarification when you need it to not argue and to relax Thank participants for attending and invite them back next week Ask each person to complete an evaluation form before leav 134 TCU DATAR Manual ANOTHER MYTH QUIZ Check an answer box for each question based on what you have been told about sexuality DON T A
7. esponse often are anxiety producing for men Many men grow up believing that it is solely the man s job to initiate sex and make sex enjoyable Perceived problems in this area may have a nega tive impact on self esteem and comfort with intimacy This session seeks to reduce anxiety by providing factual information about sexual response Masters and Johnson 1984 and sexual functioning including the impact of stress fatigue and drugs and alcohol In addition sexual responsibility issues in intimate relationships such as trust birth control and safer sex are discussed Procedure Time Welcome and Process Homework 10 minutes Human Sexual Response 20 minutes Concerns about Sexual Functioning 25 minutes Break 10 minutes Responsibility in Sexual Relationships 20 minutes Safer Sex Issues 25 minutes Homework Partner Interview 10 minutes Total Time for Session 7 120 minutes 123 Loving Relationships Materials Easel and flip chart or erasable board Magic markers pencils pens writing paper Prepared flip chart Human Sexual Response Prepared flip chart What Women Say Safer sex demonstration materials See Preparation Notes Copies of handouts 124 Prepare flip charts Preparation Notes A Human Sexual Response Write out key points on a large piece of flip chart paper Human Sexual Response or poster board as shown Excitement Phase 4 Ready uw Plateau Phase Building Up
8. ey ideas from the previous session Last week we reviewed information about male and female bodies how they re put together and how they work We also talked about some of the health related issues that concern men like cancer pros tate problems and sexually transmitted infections Knowing more about our bodies and our partner s body and more about taking care of our health helps build a sense of pride and respect We also talked a little about sexual mythology the tall tales we grow up hearing about sex that most of the time aren t true Let s talk for a few minutes about the homework assignment Ask for volunteers to share their experiences with the home 125 Process questions Loving Relationships Here are a few ideas for questions How did your partner handle the myth quiz Did she miss any of the questions Which ones How did it feel to have a matter of fact conversation about sex What did you learn from this exercise Thank volunteers for their input Encourage participants to keep up the good work 126 Human Sexual Response Use the next 15 20 minutes to lead a discussion about hu man sexual response See Appendix B p 178 for a short article on sexual response Here are some ideas to include in the discussion The more we learn about sex the better our sex lives can become A mutually satisfying sex life is an important part of a strong commit ted relationship A
9. ge wise a man is at his sexual peak from age 18 to 25 after that it s all downhill The average couple has sex about 6 10 times per week In a good relationship the man and the woman should have orgasms at the same time come together It is very unusual for the average man to have trouble getting or keeping an erection A man is responsible for a woman s sexual pleasure If a man experiences premature ejaculation coming too quickly there is nothing that can be done to help him All women know where their clitoris is located The average man always wants and is always ready to have sex Good sex must always end with intercourse A woman with large breasts is more sexually sensitive than a woman with small breasts In order to have good sex the man must have an erection Which of the following things can interfere with wanting sex or being able to have sex Circle all that apply Marijuana Alcohol Downers Tension Depression Pain Past experiences Heroin Cocaine Uppers Stress Medications Fear Anger Methadone Diabetes Illness Fatigue High blood pressure Time Out For Men 135 1 Loving Relationships ANOTHER MYTH QUIZ Answer Sheet Age wise a man is at his sexual peak from age 18 to 25 after that it s all downhill This is not a completely true statement although there are changes in sexual patterns as both men and women get older A
10. he erection is lost you ll have a condom handy to start again Have fun with your con doms Condoms come in different colors with pretty patterns even in flavors like strawberry and peppermint Keeping the condom from breaking Never store condoms where they are exposed to heat or freezing Heat or freezing can destroy the latex and make it break Store con doms in a cool dry place such as a medicine cabinet or closet Don t keep them in a wallet or glove box of the car Be careful with fingernails Here are some tips to help rings and jewelry when putting on the condoms Nails or anything sharp can tear the condom Use only water based lubri cants like K Y jelly Oil based lubricants such as Vaseline baby oil hand lotion or cooking oil can cause the latex in the con dom to break or tear Taking the condom off After the man has come withdraw the penis while it is still hard One partner should hold on to the con dom at the base of the penis to keep it from slipping Remove the condom so that the semen cum can t spill on either of you Gently slide the condom off the penis Wrap in tissue and dispose of in the trash can Avoid flushing condoms down the toilet as they may clog pipes TCU DATAR Manual Session 7 Homework Loving Relationships Partner Interview Ask your partner to complete the following sentences When she is finished sit down together and discuss her answers Be su
11. hology has a lot of influence In movies we see couples making love who appear to reach a dramatic climax at the same moment In real life it doesn t always happen this way nor should it People have bodies not machines and each person s level of sexual excitement may not always be the same at the exact same moment It s often much easier for partners to take turns having an orgasm that way each can take turns concentrating on pleasing the other Placing demands on each other to come together or to come at a certain time can bring anxiety and pressure into what s ideally a relaxing pleasurable event It is very unusual for the average man to have trouble getting or keeping an erec tion No it s not In fact it is quite common for men to occasionally not be able to get or keep an erection There are a lot of reasons and most have to do with the fact that a man is a total human being not just a penis Stress depression or just being tired and run down can interfere with sex A quarrel with a partner or worries about the bills or the children can be on a man s mind and although he s not conscious of it it can affect sexual performance The main thing is to not worry about it In most cases the more a man worries the worse it becomes If the problem goes on for a long time there might be another cause Alcohol street drugs and prescription medicines may cause prob lems The man should check with his doctor first
12. ickly as possible Reassure them that it s not a test and that they don t have to show their worksheets to any one in the group When participants have finished go over the quiz items as a group asking participants to volunteer their answers Discuss correct answers to each question in detail using information from the answer sheet Encourage discussion and further questions about the issues raised in the quiz Distribute handouts of Another Myth Quiz answers at the end of the discussion Conclude by quickly reviewing handout Self Help for Sexual Problems You may want to include phone numbers referral information for agencies in your area that may provide counseling services e g Planned Parenthood community mental health agencies private practitioners gt 128 Break TCU DATAR Manual Process questions 3 Time Out For Men Responsibility in Sexual Relationships Use the next 15 20 minutes to discuss responsibility issues in sexual relationships Here are some ideas for starting the discussion Now that we ve clarified some concerns many of us have had about what we do in bed and how we do it let s talk a little while about who we are in our sexual relationships I ve never met a man who at some level didn t like to think of himself as a good lover So what makes a man a good lover Ask participants to help you list the characteristics of a good lover List characteristics
13. ii This module was developed as part of NIDA Grant DA06162 06A1 Improv ing Drug Abuse Treatment Assessment and Research DATAR 2 The Time Out For Men training module and data collection forms may be used for personal educational research and or information purposes Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of these materials except for reprinted passages from copyrighted sources for nonprofit educational and nonprofit library purposes provided that copies are distributed at or below costs and that credit for author source and copyright are included on each copy No material may be copied down loaded stored in a retrieval system or redistributed for any commercial purpose without the express written permission of Texas Christian Univer sity For more information about Time Out For Men please contact Institute of Behavioral Research Texas Christian University TCU Box 298740 Fort Worth TX 76129 817 257 7226 817 257 7290 fax Email ibr tcu edu Web site www ibr tcu edu Copyright 2002 Texas Christian University Fort Worth Texas All rights reserved TCU DATAR Manual Objectives Rationale Session Outline Time Out For Men Loving Relationships Session Length 2 hours Understand stages of human sexual response Explore common concerns about sexual functioning Discuss sexual responsibility in intimate relationships Issues related to sexual functioning and r
14. lot has to do with what the term sexual peak means If we think of a sexual peak as simply the ability of the body to respond sexually then there is some truth that younger men may have a stronger sex drive However men and women remain interested in sex into their 30s 40s 50s 60s 70s and beyond As we become older and more experienced our focus of sexual pleasure becomes more well rounded so that instead of just being concerned with erections and genital pleasure we have a deeper sense of total sensuality With age we learn more about pleasing our partner more about relaxing and enjoying the moment and more about our own bodies For most men the true sexual peak comes with years and maturity The average couple has sex about 6 10 times per week How often a couple has sex varies a lot and may change during the course of a relationship or marriage Newlyweds or new partners may have sex more often than those who have been together for many years Couples without children may have sex more often than those whose parenting duties require time and energy A recent survey of Americans showed that most couples are satis fied with their sex lives and that most couples report having sex an average of 2 or 3 times a week In a good sexual relationship the man and woman should have orgasms at the same time come together A good relationship is about meeting each others needs not about exact timing Once again media based myt
15. n is the most valuable characteristic he can develop as a husband or partner Why What would you tell a daughter is the most valuable characteristic to look for in a husband or partner Why D 25 Time Out For Men Safer Sex Issues Use the next 20 25 minutes to lead a discussion on safer sex issues Here are some ideas for opening the discussion One of the burdens we bear as men is that we are socialized to equate sexual conquest and sexual performance with our worth as human beings Media messages about sex roles relationships love etc begin working on us very early it s probably the way most of us first learned about sex and women What we end up with is a pretty distorted way of relating to women We get the message Go for it Sex is manhood To be a real man you gotta carve notches on the bedpost Having lots of sex proves you re a man By learning that the only thing that can prove our manhood is how we score sexually we re cheated and cutoff from our total selves It doesn t allow us to know and understand our feelings It puts a lot of stress on us to perform be in charge of sex and always be on the make 131 Flip chart a Process questions 132 Loving Relationships It hurts our self esteem too Sexual conquest and sexual performance become how we judge our manhood Sex becomes almost an obsession We feel we have to keep proving ourselves in some way And
16. nourish an infant The size and shape of a breast or nipple does not affect the amount or quality of the milk produced In some women the nipple and surrounding skin are very sensitive to touch and sexual stimulation other women may not enjoy having their breast touched size however has nothing to do with it In order to have good sex the man must have an erection A couple can have very good sex even if the man does not have an erection If you think of sex as a total body experience that is more than just the genitals you ll understand why this is true Touch ing kissing holding massage and other kinds of stimulation can happen without an erection Sex is more than a performance and more than just having an orgasm Men can do a lot for themselves by learning to let go of the pressure to perform and have an erection and practice learning to relax getting in touch with their whole bodies and showing their partner how they like to be touched and caressed For the last question all of these items should be circled One myth we live with as men is the myth of superman a real man is supposed to want sex and be able to perform no matter what The truth is that many things can cause problems with our sex lives This is true for women as well as men Heavy use of alcohol or marijuana can lower test osterone male sex hormones In addition alcohol causes problems with blood flow and circulation Heavy drinkers may have a difficult
17. nsations of an approaching orgasm and control his response The man can learn to enjoy several peaks of intense sensations before he allows himself to come With practice and patience prema ture ejaculation can be overcome All women know where their clitoris is located This is not always true because many women grow up with taboos and restrictions about their bodies and about touching themselves The clitoris is the most sexually sensitive organ in a woman s body located above the vagina and the urinary opening where the skin folds labia join It is very small about the size of a pea and is made of the same tissue as a man s penis Many women mistakenly believe that the vagina is the center of sexual stimulation or that the clitoris is located inside the vagina However the vagina has very few nerve endings and the clitoris has as many nerve endings as the man s penis Touching and stimulating the clitoris in a way the woman finds arousing will usually result in orgasm The average man always wants and is always ready to have sex This is another example of a myth that places a lot of pressure on men to be sexual and to base their self esteem on performance A man is a human being not a machine that can just flip a switch and turn on If a man believes this myth he may think he must engage in sex even when he doesn t really want to For example he may push himself to have sex when he s too tired not really at tracted to
18. r advice on books that may be helpful Time Out For Men 139 Loving Relationships CONDOMS AND SAFER SEX Condoms provide safety and protection but they must be used properly It is recommended that only latex latex rubber condoms be used Condoms made from animal skin membrane are not effective for preventing diseases make condoms more effective COVERING ALL THE BASES Putting On A Condom A condom should be put on when the penis becomes hard not before Always use a new condom Place the rolled condom over the end of the erect penis and squeeze the tip end of the condom to remove any trapped air Trapped air in the end of the condom could cause the condom to break like a balloon Once the air is squeezed out roll the condom down the shaft of the penis leaving space at the tip of the condom to catch the semen cum Making the condom comfortable Choose the style and brand of condom that best fits the man It s a good idea to try different brands they are not all the same Most men prefer a condom that allows a bit of friction and is thin enough to conduct warmth 140 Place a tiny dab of K Y jelly or other water based lubri cant in the tip of the con dom before rolling it on Keep in mind that too much may cause the condom to slip off However a tiny dab will help increase sensa tions for the man Keep several condoms ready for use when having sex If you are interrupted or if t
19. re to listen Don t argue or try to comment on the answers One change have noticed since you ve been in the workshop is One thing really appreciate about you is One thing I d like you to work harder on is One thing I ve learned about myself is One thing I d like to do better myself is to One thing think that has really improved in our relationship is One thing would like for us to keep working on is Time Out For Men 141 1 Loving Relationships SESSION EVALUATION Time Out For Men Session 7 THIS BOX IS TO BE COMPLETED BY DATA COORDINATOR siTE I CLIENT ID I I __ COUNSELOR ID __ __ 1 2 13 14 INSTRUCTIONS Please take a minute to give us some feedback about how you liked this session 1 Use one word to describe your reaction to today s class 2 What is the most important thing you learned today 3 What advice would you give a teenager today about safer sex 4 Ona scale of 1 to 10 how do you rate today s class Circle your rating 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 Ld 15 16 Poor Pretty Good Excellent 5 Do you have any suggestions to help make this class better 142 TCU DATAR Manual
20. releasing her egg The one thing we share as human beings is how our bodies respond during a sexual act This is called the human sexual response cycle It is the same for all adult males and females It is the same regard less of which type of sexual act is performed masturbation vaginal sex oral sex or rectal sex Lets quickly review the stages of this response cycle Lead a discussion on the stages of sexual response identified by Masters amp Johnson Use the prepared flip chart to focus attention on the points Encourage questions and discussion The key idea to stress is that both adult men and women may experience these phases of sexual response and that these responses are physical in nature Cover the following points 1 Excitement Phase Ready Blood flow increases to the genital tissues penis becomes erect vagina lubricates clitoris enlarges 2 Plateau Phase Building Up Blood flow increases to the genital tissues increased heart rate blood pressure breathing tension in muscles 3 Orgasmic Phase Wow Muscles in pelvic area vagina along the urethra contract rhythmi cally contractions produce waves of pleasurable feelings males ejaculate release semen 4 Resolution Phase Resting Muscles relax blood pressure and heart rate return to normal blood flow to genitals returns to normal erection subsides The sexual response cycle starts with the bodily change
21. s that happen in the excitement phase The person or people involved in the sex act may choose to proceed on to orgasm and resolution or may choose to stop anywhere along the way Although it may feel a little uncom fortable or frustrating there is no biological necessity to finish the cycle just because it got started In other words sometimes the phone rings the baby cries or the mood is lost 127 Loving Relationships 25 a T y S Worksheet p 135 Handouts pp 136 139 Concerns about Sexual Functioning Use the next 20 25 minutes to discuss common issues and concerns about sexual functioning performance Here are some ideas for introducing the discussion The sexual response cycle describes how our bodies are capable of responding Unfortunately for all of us our bodies or our partners bodies don t always respond the way we would like them to And guess what That s completely normal We have bodies not ma chines Our feelings our health our history all of these things can play a part in how we respond and function sexually Unfortunately again as men we grow up with a lot of myths that may hurt our self esteem increase our anxiety and make us worry needlessly about things that are completely normal Just for fun let s take a look at some more of these myths Distribute Another Myth Quiz worksheets and ask partici pants to complete them as qu
22. strong stable relationship is good for our hearts good for our minds good for our children and good for our recoveries In today s session were going to continue talking about sexuality and issues related to sexuality in our relationships The history of sex is fascinating There are several good books on sex history that trace man s feelings practices and rules about sex from the days of the Pharaohs to modern times But with all this history it wasn t until about 30 years ago that medical researchers actually got around to studying and identifying what happens physically when people have sex Granted even the Pharaohs had a pretty good idea about what was going on but only recently have we gotten the medical or biological facts straight The first thing we ll talk about today is some basic information about how we respond sexually as humans Our sexual responses are unique and different from the responses of any other living creature on the planet Ask participants if they can guess why that is As human beings we choose to have sex we are not driven toward sex by instinct As human beings having sex is not tied to the TCU DATAR Manual H y Flip chart Time Out For Men fi female s fertility cycle In most other animals sex only happens when the female is fertile and sends out a signal that she is fertile Human beings may choose to have sex at any time during the month or year not just when the woman is
23. the woman or too stressed out This can lead to performance problems that hurt his confidence A man doesn t always have to be interested in sex to be a real man A real man is interested in sex when the time is right the partner is right and he s able to relax and enjoy the experience He doesn t need to prove himself to himself or to anyone else Time Out For Men 137 1 Loving Relationships Good sex must always end with intercourse This myth shows how goal oriented we are in our society Were always trying to get where were going and we forget to enjoy the journey Good sex can happen even when intercourse is left out Holding touching kissing massage and other types of foreplay can be just as enjoyable as doing it and many couples find it to be a nice change of pace Intercourse is not the be all and end all of sex there are many variations and options that a couple can try To limit our definition of good sex to just having intercourse is like going to a fancy dinner party and only eating one thing A woman with large breasts is more sexually sensitive than a woman with small breasts This is not true A woman s breast size has nothing at all to do with her sexual sensitivity Breasts vary a lot in size shape texture and appearance and breast development is mostly influenced by heredity one s parents and grandparents All breasts function the same way they are designed to produce milk to
24. tions for the term For example being faithful just one partner not sleeping around being a one woman man bringing it home to mama Use some of the following questions to lead the discussion Even if HIV AIDS were not around why is being faithful important for a close stable relationship Why is monogamy difficult for some men to accept How do we make monogamy work in a relationship What do we have to do Why is trust important for a good relationship What are the benefits of monogamy TCU DATAR Manual 3 Wrap up with the following ideas Monogamy has been described as building a safe fence around your playground By keeping sex as something you reserve only for your primary relationship you do a lot to protect yourself and your family The use of condoms is another thing that makes sex safer The most important things to know about condoms are how to use them cor rectly and to remember to use them ll 4 Distribute the handout Condoms and Safer Sex and lead a J discussion about using condoms and demonstrate safer sex Handout p 140 materials Use the safer sex materials to demonstrate correct condom use Also provide information about the female condom and show how it is used See Appendix A pp 171 176 for an outline on how to conduct condom dem onstrations Modify as needed for your group Safer Sex Materials Use some of the following questions to lead the discussion
25. to rule out a physical cause If the problem isn t related to alcohol or illness marriage or relationship counseling may help 136 TCU DATAR Manual fi A man is responsible for a woman s sexual pleasure It is not possible for one person to be responsible for how another person s body reacts or doesn t react This is another myth that men have been burdened with and one that has placed a lot of pressure on men to think of sex as performance It works the other way too a woman isn t re sponsible for a man s pleasure either Both partners are responsible for telling each other what they like or dislike Neither partner is supposed to be a mind reader who can guess what the other person wants or needs in bed Once again the solution is assertive communication talking listen ing respect caring and patience If a man experiences premature ejaculation coming too quickly there is noth ing that can be done to help him Premature ejaculation or coming faster than he intends to is a common concern for men and almost all men have experienced it It may happen if a man is overly excited or hasn t had sex in a long time If it is a recurring problem there are several solutions the man can try Some men are helped by using a condom when they have sex because a condom can help reduce sensitivity The most successful approach is a special kind of control training that helps the man learn to recognize the se
26. very important to communicate with your partner about your sexual relationship what you like what you don t like what feels good Using I Statements can help you communicate your needs and your preferences without sounding demanding For ex ample I really like it when you massage my shoulders Be Considerate Just as it s important to communicate openly with your partner it s also important to be concerned about your partner s feelings thoughts and needs Patience and a willingness to compromise can go a long way in showing your partner you care about her Many women are socialized to be shy or unassertive about their bodies and their sexual TCU DATAR Manual 5 Process questions ity A good lover can show consideration for his partner by being willing to ask about her needs and what she likes or doesn t like As we ve discussed before listening is another way to show love and consideration for a partner Respect Sexual Privacy This is a fairly self explanatory point It s not okay to brag or tell stories about you and your partner s sex life past or present Such talk is disrespectful of yourself and your partner and it s also imma ture and childish A close intimate relationship is built on trust and respect Telling stories out of school can shatter that trust and hurt the relationship Conclude by asking participants to discuss the following questions What would you tell your so
27. y myths The most unhealthy myth is that good sex is violent rough and aggressive and that all women have a secret desire to be taken by force overwhelmed or swept away Another unhealthy myth is that men have a right to sex whenever they want it and that they can take it from a partner if it s not given freely No means no any person man or woman has the right to refuse sex and not have to argue about it Force violence and aggression work against healthy intimate relationships Share Responsibility In A Sexual Relationship Both partners are responsible for contraception and STD prevention For some crazy reason many men believe that protection is the woman s responsibility only We sometimes hear guys say She got pregnant or even She got herself pregnant Well she didn t do it by herself When two people have sex both people are responsible for the consequences A man who s a good lover does what he needs to do to share the responsibility Communicate Openly It s important to share feelings thoughts and needs with a partner In the media we see the strong silent type a lot Have you ever wondered why these characters are usually loners The importance of communication in a close intimate relationship cannot be over stressed The biggest sex organ you have is your brain Next is your heart A good lover is willing to open up and share who he is with his partner It s also
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