When Microsoft* Makes Elevators (1)
Contents
1. up absolutely sure it is a prank call because there are no buildings that tall in Des Moines Iowa But there are The user will call again and demand to speak to a supervisor Fifteen minutes later a Senior MESS Rep will come on the line and talk the user through the operation of the Diagnostic Information Resource Executable Twenty minutes later the support engineer will say to the trapped user Now all that s left is to confirm the changes so switch to the confirmation window Without thinking the user will press Ctrl Tab which switches windows on most Windows products only to find himself plunging over 200 feet to his death At a press conference later that day Microsoft will state If the user had read the Microsoft Elevator Read Doc file he would have known that while Ctrl Tab switches windows on most Windows products in Microsoft Elevator 1 1 this keystroke is assigned to the Direct Emergency Access Transfer Hatch TM feature When pressed for more information the Microsoft representative will admit that the Direct Emergency Access Transfer Hatch TM is not discussed in either volume of the User Manual However she will quickly point out that it is mentioned in Appendix G of the Microsoft Elevator Resource Kit a set of 3 CD ROMs available direct from Microsoft for only 149 during the Microsoft We Make Killer Apps promotional campaign When the press ask for more details about the Direct Emergency Access Transf2. When Microsoft Makes Elevators 1 It will no longer be necessary to press a button to indicate which floor you want to go to You will simply drag the elevator icon to the desired floor This will be called intuitive You will drag the elevator icon to the desired floor using a specially coded Microsoft Stylus on a touch sensitive Windows CE screen This will be called a security feature People will find they can drag the elevator icon to the desired floor using just an ordinary pen This will be called an accessibility feature Then someone will find that you can drag the elevator icon to the desired floor with just your finger This will be called unauthorized access and will be condemned as hacking Microsoft will lobby States to make it illegal to select a floor using anything other than a Microsoft authorized stylus This will be called corporate responsibility Two teenagers from Cloverdale California will be arrested by the Secret Service for hacking the elevators in the World Trade Center with their fingers For the first 10 days that Microsoft Elevator is in operation elevators won t take anyone anywhere This will be called beta testing For the next 5 days that Microsoft Elevator is in operation the doors will be taped shut and a sign will say Installing the Initial Shipping Version Please Wait But the sign will be really cute and feature licensed cartoon characters The first time you use an
3. all an elevator at the same time sure response times are going to be flaky get over it When the same analysts reveal that the wait times were recorded during controlled tests performed on a weekend in an empty building other analysts fresh from the See How I Live Life tour of Microsoft CEO Bill Gates soon to be completed mansion will say Obviously such tests are slanted and do not reflect real world performance Speaking on Larry King Live multi billionaire Gates will say What would they have us do Larry go back to the bad old days of button pushing When Microsoft Makes Elevators 2 Hacker bulletin boards will circulate a series commands that cause the elevator OS to reboot mid floor for a period of 3 minutes although it will seem longer Meanwhile a small Silicon Valley start up will release a Microsoft Elevator utility that allows users previously unavailable access to even numbered floors It is soon installed on more than 50 of elevators running Microsoft Elevator 1 0 Microsoft will purchase the company and shortly thereafter launch Microsoft Elevator 1 1 with a Wimp Interface which allows users the option of direct access to the floor of their choice without taking the stairs For the next 5 days all elevators running Microsoft Elevator will have the doors taped shut and a sign saying Installing Upgrade Please Wait In high profile installations such as the World Trade Center Microsoft will hire
4. booth bunnies to stand by the taped elevator doors and hold up a series of cards describing the new features of Microsoft Elevator 1 1 The new features of Microsoft Elevator 1 1 will include Power Clicking for elevator call buttons This will be hailed as breakthrough technology because it gives users a realistic feeling that elevators really do come quicker the more times per second you request them Several weeks after the Microsoft Elevator 1 1 upgrades are complete an elevator user will become trapped between the 19th and 20th floors of an office building in Des Moines Iowa The user will pick up the emergency phone new in version 1 1 and it will automatically dial the Microsoft Elevator Support Service Twenty minutes later a computer will answer the phone and play a message which says Thank you for calling MESS all of our representatives are currently assisting other customers who got stuck before you did Please avoid breathing and stay on the line as long as possible Fifteen minutes later a MESS rep will come on the line and say Thank you for calling MESS what is your product registration number The user will shout I m trapped The rep will say We prefer the term Exit Impaired sir but please continue what floor were you trying to reach The user will scream What difference does that make I m trapped between the 19th and 20th floors of an office building in Des Moines Iowa The MESS rep will laugh and hang
5. elevator running Microsoft Elevator it will take you to several different floors before letting you off This will be called A Quick Tour The second time you use an elevator running Microsoft Elevator it will take you to several different floors before letting you off This will happen because you didn t un click the Quick Tour on Startup box the last time The initial shipping version of Microsoft Elevator will not take anyone to even numbered floors This will be called limited functionality A Microsoft representative will say this is only to be expected from the initial release of a complex product such as this When asked to comment independent industry analysts will say This is only to be expected from the initial release of a complex product such as this besides users are prepared to wait for Microsoft to deliver full functionality When some people who need to access even numbered floors start to complain Microsoft will point out that travelling to an odd numbered floor and walking up one flight of stairs is very healthy This will become a permanent lifestyle enhancement feature Some analysts citing 15 minute wait times when signaling an elevator will suggest that Microsoft Elevator could be improved They will be labeled Microsoft Haters and Luddites Steve Balmer Microsoft s Exec V P of Sales and Support will be heard to say Yeah right like you order every damn person in a 20 storey building to c
6. er Hatch TM a Microsoft technical representative will step up to the podium and say It s like this cool way fast downward opening hatch door It consists of like 99 of the floor area of the elevator The next day analysts will praise Microsoft for providing such innovative safety features and for donating 50 000 worth of Microsoft Killer App rebates to the Des Moines school district in memory of the deceased user Later that day Microsoft stock will close at a new record high Notes The following quotes from Microsoft s web site Microsoft Windows Windows CE and or other Microsoft products referenced herein are either trademarks or registered trademarks of Microsoft Other product and company names mentioned herein may be the trademarks of their respective owners The names of companies products people characters and or data mentioned herein are fictitious and are in no way intended to represent any real individual company product or event unless otherwise noted http www microsoft com misc cpyright htm The following quotes from a 1997 Microsoft press release REDMOND Wash March 10 1997 The Windows CE licensing program is designed to assist manufacturers focused on a variety of industrial and consumer electronics devices such as phones handheld terminals for vertical applications other types of terminals industrial control point of sale devices and automotive applications Products could range from syste
7. ms used in industrial applications such as shop floor automation to consumer electronic devices http www microsoft com corpinfo press 1997 Mar97 oakannpr htm lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt lt Stephen Cobb CISSP gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt gt Certified Information Systems Security Professional tel 1 407 383 0977 fx 0336 email scobb miora com For information security info http www miora com
Download Pdf Manuals
Related Search