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Grace Under Pressure - University of Connecticut

1. 5861 SM0 1114 YAWWNS 1937044 JNILIHM LMJILJANNOJ WRENN offers opportunities for nt ti is program of fn din wi ith ete has 234 kl ummer practice pi vears and i pis FAMA Ai upgrading GRACE UNDER PRESSURE An Anthology by Connecticut Writing Project Summer Fellows 1985 Ne CONTENTS Helen Scinteo ey eee ee 1 Richardson TISSA S Ellie Berwin THE B MeCarthy eT oe 9 Vincenza Jane McNulty CONTAGIOUS CARING 15 Jane Teaze MOTHER 19068 20 Rogar TRACES ck baw eee ers we Ogden Morse THE COUNTRY 6 23 Heidi Steinberg A GIFT FOR A 26 Suman Garcia JOA cist ace aaa Seeks sa na 7 Pat Drown AUNT MAMIE wa i kw ee one Sydney Adam ADAM cee eee eee eee 039 Lynda Sorensen SWEET 29 Pascucci THE SPECIAL 6 40 Libby Rubin COAL Helen Scinto The heavv sound of the truck stopping in front of the house drew mv brother and me to the livin
2. Two more days before she left Jessie stood in her room looking with satisfaction at the packed trunk Sulging duffles and suitcases Well I m ready she thought and with time to spare She looked at her gournal on her desk Foor Journal I haven t done much with you lately have Let s go Once more to the old spot As she said these words to herself her heart started to beat faster really am a jerk afraid of my own shadow She walked outside Fall had crept in overnight and cleared the air and stiffened the weeds along the roadside The sky was that deep clear blue that makes you feel as if you could reach into forever through it and the air smelied 44 cleaned and fresh Yeah just wait till I get to school and then 1 711 go back up to 90 It happens every year Jess thought as she walked briskly along the road Her eyes darted back and forth half expecting him to step out from the side She felt daring foolish frightened and hopeful all at the same time But he never appeared She laughed at herself This is really stupid As she came to the place where she turned off to go into her secret place she looked around one more time No she had missed him She crept into the hideaway crouched head down pushing aside the low lying branches One last time in this world of loneliness and then she would be in a whole new world new friends new ideas new places She pushed aside the last branc
3. a couple of paper balls left over from a classroom free for all a moldy sandwich ina zip lock bag a poster of Shakespeare a brassiere which he holds up a few paperbacks a couple of pencils gum wrappers and a condom which he holds up He looks amused He throws all of the junk into a trash can then gets a screwdriver out of his desk and gets into the closet to fix a shaky shelf overhead Roberta walks into the classroom The conversation is uncomfortable at first Here you are I never know where vou re hiding Came in here to grade papers Too many interruptions in the English Office As you can see I ve gotten a lot done but no papers This closet has seen some action he holds up the bra and condom I always suspected you were a closet ah lover He picks up an L shaped shelf bracket and begins screwing it to brace the shelf A lover of closets that is You re right Look at me here screwing in the closet That makes you a voyeur Pretty bad Davis You started it Anyway it s almost time I came out of the closet Roberta True She changes tone I m sorry I made such a scene I can t believe I did that And you re right I ama lousy teacher Davis I didn t say that Roberta I know I know but that s what it comes down to And you re right Davis Wait a second Wait one second Roberta A little heatediv No you wait Then quietly Hear me out
4. hadn t she told her Mom For a mother and teen age daughter they had a pretty good relationship Not that she told her everything of course but basicaliy Mom was good friend really especially this summer when she d had no one eise to talk with What would her mother say It s Just your imagination I m sure he s a very nice boy or Good grief that must have been scary Good thing you got away when you did Jessie really didn t know probably because she wasn t sure herself what had happened or why she acted as she did or how she should have acted Maybe she should tell her Mom after all somehow it seemed her problem If she had just walked into the kitchen and sat down and started talking what would have been different But coming into her room she had taken it herself She lav on her bed for a iona time Jess come her mother called from the other Side of the door Yeah sure It s not locked You honey Sure why You gust look little pale Is someting bothering you Jess thought God she does have eyes in the back of her head She used to tel me that when I was little and I believed it because she knew every piece of candy I snitched and every tie I told How does she do it I m she said sitting up on the edge of the bed How about that trip into the aiant metropolis to see if the elegant shopping center has
5. her promises came true She was coach counselor and confessor Tony Fausci for example he could count on Aunt Mamie to stitch up the brown school pants he d ripped scrambling over the old wooden fence to escape the watchman at the railroad yard She d even prv out the splinters embedded in both his palms without making too much fuss But as she d work she d Probe for more than wooden slivers Do you realize that you could get badly hurt playing at the yard she d ask You re getting too old for such foolishness Think of how your poor mama would cry if something happened to you and Promise me you ll be more careful 33 She loved children She loved life bitterness of losing her husband and four of her eight children didn t destroy her There was room in her house and in her heart for evervone addition to the children the friends the baseball team and the boarders the house overflowed with pets In the winter Spike Herbie s dog got to sleep upstairs in the boys bedroom while the kitchen was taken over by cats chickens and even a goat Nanny lay in front of the huge black cast iron kitchen stove while Biddy nestled down in a box wedged high against the stove pipe Mike and Ike cause they look alike had to be content with the scruffy rag rug folded neatly in the space between the back of the stove and the wall The baby goat showed up one morning after Feewe had been out all night
6. throughout the auditorium then and was beginning again Did they expect Castro to arrive tutu his gun in hand ready to annihilate the ideals of democracy ina moment s notice Well it s been twenty years since she was here last and from the number of security guarding the Opera House it will probably be another twenty years before they let her return Bob said to me as we waited for the curtain to rise you ask Ms Alonso about this when you interviewed her Yes I can still see her I had just asked her why she hadn t performed in the United States in so long She was getting up from her chair and stiffened as I asked the SID I 4 7 ke rete mal l 64 question Mv heart stopped She turned in my direction removing her sun glasses Like a child I immediately focused on her eyes to feel shame for having done so haven t I performed here for the past twenty years you ask Quite simply politics my dear Simon s CLOSET Bill McCarthy Playing on the stereobox is Faul ul am a Rock Davis is cleaning out a clothes closet in the back of his classroom He takes out awkward Roberta Liaviss Roberta Davis Roberta two boxes of books and carries them to another cabinet There is still a lot of rubble at the bottom a backpacking boot a track uniform
7. Carol threatening never to return She d dashed off down the road to the tree lined fields beyond the houses and flung herself down hidden by the tall meadow grass She had been prepared to suffer her martyrdom alone Soon however her anger had dissipated along with her tears in the warm sunshine and she had found it much more fascinating to watch a praying mantis performing a balancing act on a bent thistle than to nurse her grudge Trouble was when she d returned home late in the afternoon driven by mosquito bites and boredom the family acted like she d never left Carol is growing stupider by the day When they were little Carol was nurse mini mother and conscience for her younger sister Tissa She even named me for crying out loud Because she couldn t say sister it had come out Tissa and Tissa it stayed Tissa chortled a little over the number of times she had made Carol s lite a trial leading her into scrapes for which she Carol was blamed and little sister escaped scott free Trouble was lately Carol was so busy with her girl friends and all their icky boy talk and secrets and make up she couldn t be teased Oh well who cares There were always the voungers Mamma had said it must be a trial being in the middle but it wasn t that bad As Carol s role as protectress was dwindling Tissa herself had picked up the voungers Little sister Annie and baby
8. Since the first grade no kindergarten nursery school teachers have been telling me I ve got a wonderful _ personalitv bright One said I reminded her of Liza Minelli but in matters of organization a you know what I I can put on a good show but can t do what vou do at sins eat breakfast Teach Hat you re prepared Sa hy cared about Roberta Davis Roberta Davis Roberta Davis Roberta I need the credits I ll stay Sounds mercenary but I need to graduate I won t inflict myself too badly on your students 111 do what can 1991 91 1711 even give homework He smiles Also I want to stay because Hey you teach film s this is the tender scene where you have some other tapes Davis nods Fut on something clasical soft though he puts on the fourth movement of Beethoven s Serenade in D Major Yeah that s good Now we re in this mess together and I ve fucked up but vou re a kind hearted old man I can t do tears but I can get my voice to quaver and since vou re the aloof type I make the first move and her eyes well up with a few tears there I ve bit the inside of my cheek and you sympathetic protective type put your arm around me in a clumsy awkward way and I take advantage of you by first resting my head against your shoulder and then kissing him ki
9. The boys returned to the open container used to catch rain Joao splashed some water on his face sweaty from the hot afternoon sun He glanced up at Ze and wished he could think of a reason not to do on chicken let s Ze taunted Joao started down the hill more hesitantly than Ze had The wheel wobbled for a few minutes and then seemed to straighten itself up It picked up speed Joao s heart pounded as he passed the post Carefully he swerved to miss a discarded can in his path Then he saw therut He should have staved to the left His grip tightened on the stick The rut the wheel leaned slightly Flease don t fall Please don t fall he begged silently The wheel continued on He could hear the cheers of the men drinking cachaca He passed them Bringing the wheel to a stop on the other side of the bar he turned triumphantly to Ze you were just lucky 1 11 beat you tomorrow Ze said Yeah only if I show you Joao replied By the way you d better get the water can Suddenly Joao noticed his mother coming up the path Hey isn t your mother home early asked Ze who also noticed her 30 a ee ee Joao s mother never came h i ome until the dinner h served and the kitchen cleaned Something was biss g an ran to find out what leaving Ze near the bar When he reached his mother Joao could see that she was ying Her w
10. didn t My chin fell to my chest I just wouldn t look at those eyes That was the only way Mother really didn t need to say a word or make a move with those powerful eyes They could at will be sympathetic and warm or lash our in fury or unadulterated scorn There was nothing wishy washy about them She used her eyes to control all they surveyed and she usually succeeded The could also sooth and caress I d seen her eyes do that though usually to others that year especially At times I d thought that to win that special rare look caressing and encouraging or full of pride and admiration I would gladly climb Mt Everest alone But I couldn t let her know what I d done That pretty stamp I loved its wonderful colors and intricate design The day before I d carefully placed it in a small wax paper envelope and slipped it into the side pocket of my blue American Express folder It fit so nicely The envelope and its precious contents would be safe on the shelf next to my bed I could slip the stamp out whenever I wanted My cousin Alice didn t need it For her that stamp was just one of hundreds And Alice was so cold How could she feel the beautv of that stamp7 She was just a book worm What did she care about real things The stamp needed me Mother was silent and still as she blocked the doorway An eternity seemed to pass before I heard Peg Her voice was low She was calling my eyes back to hers Oh
11. f j eeling the weight of the five gallon tin fashioned from A old cooking oil container Not a chance said Joao hoping he was right It was long way Up the hill from the water pipe and the heavy can was difficult to balance on hs head Many times he had dropped it and had to return for more water As the oldest child in his family Joao at ten had to fetch water for his mother once each day Por favor Fai do Santo he secretly prayed Don t make me carry it twice today Ze found a stick and stuck it inside the ri top spoke Slowly he started the wheel on its path He watched carefully for objects and gullies in the ees would cause the wheel to tumble He ignored ai s jeers and concentrated on balancing the wheel Just ne house remained for him to pass before reaching his goal Joao running along side almost forgot he wanted Ze to lose Neither one had ever rolled the wheel this far before 7 lifted his eves second to see how much further to Edson s The brief moment of inattentiton caused him to miss seeing a stone on the path The wheel hit it and fell Ze confidently challenged Jaoa Let s double the bet If you do it 1711 carry your can for two days but if you 10856 Joao had never rolled the wheel further than the past from which Senhor Costello attached the lines for his stolen electricity electricity he sold to the few who could pay for it Well get ready to carry he snapped
12. gotten in any new fashions since the fifties Sure let me just take care of more load of clothes and we can go Her Mom walked cut and Jessie sighed The next two weeks were filled with shopping trins Better get the shampoc here on sale it ll be iat more expensive at the coilege bookstore her mom had said ivou ll have to wait until you get to schoo tili vou get your bedspread but we can get sheets and towels now And a lamp and nice quilt on sale and few new tapes and some clothes Indeed there were a few decent shops town and Jessie managed to out together a respectable wardrobe She packed and repacked her trunk Her bed was covered with clothes Should she bother with the heavy sweaters mow or wait until the first time she came home Her long walks were forgotten but not the stranger At odd moments his face would flash before her as she was folding a sweater or cooking some bacon for breakfast Once when she turned down an aisle in the ARF she swore she him but she couldn t find him even though she hac speeded her cart and looked up and down all the other aisles Occasionaliy she had walked down the roac ways coming in sight of the place where she had first seen him but then turning around and heading back Not that she was afraid or anything but she just didn t have time for the leisurely walking and reading she had done before There was too much to do to get ready
13. joyful Gently hug you to say My life is entwined with yours no matter the distance My soul will know when you daydream or sigh 26 Joao Susan Garcia In the heat of the tropical Brazilian sun the mountainside slum of Vidigal appeared almost deserted Inside the closely crowded shanties clumsily built with scavenged remnants from construction sites or from the trash heap at the mountain s base the slum s inhabitants the favelados dozed Only a few restless children and the patroniz of Edson s bar stirred Joao stood outside the shack of his friend Ze While waiting for Ze to give the bottle to his baby brother Joao stared at the nearby mountain of Corcovado with its towering statue of Christ the statue s outstretched arms not quite reaching Vidigal Is God really a Brazilian he wondered He had heard people say that Ze pushed aside the burlap fragment which served as the door to his house and sat down on the cement block step calor What heat he muttered He watched Joao quizzicallv What are you looking Oh nothing Joao paused Ze do you think God s Brazilian You re loco Joao I swear Joao suddenly felt childish in front of his older friend I was just thinking about what somebody said Turning to Ze he asked Can you leave Faul inho Yeah he s asleep now Let s go As they started down the mountain side to the trash heap Ze suddenly nudg
14. temperature made me more uncomfortable this time Slowly I regained my strength and coherence Louise returned with delicious turkey sandwich and oatmeal In a moment I heard my doctor say Ready for a short cookie and more friendly hospitality Food at last Louise nap Then with a nod the anesthetic was administered even inquired if Feter was hungry She thought of everyone through the intravenous tube in mv arm It quickly took and evervthing effect I felt the room begin to spin and I lost control of consciousness You polished that off pretty well Would you like another Vaguely I remember the anesthetist and Louise calling my name in an effort to wake me up I drifted in and out of No thank you consciousness I was reluctant to try too hard to wake up It took lot of effort and strength which I didn t have can tell you enjoy eating You re looking better right now Now that Louise knew my queasy stomach was somewhat When I awoke still groggy I was in the recovery area settled she offered to help me get dressed We carried out Everything was fuzzy and hazy Feter was at my side that ritual carefully smiling Louise and another nurse Mary Ann checked my fou ll be going home soon 16 HF ee ee Although I was happv that the procedure had gone well and I was the mend I knew it would be hard to say good bye and adequately express our gratitude to the medical personne
15. thought possible She ever started keeping a journal as though heaven knows nothing excitina was hanpenina to her at least Buk the memories of the past the images of childhood mingled with her dreams and fears for the future her anticipation gt entering college Just few weeks and filled the pages 5 an old diary she hed found while cleaning put the attic of her old house She had tucked it away the boxs that held her high school vear book scribbled over with triends promises never to forget her and the scrapbook with ter Senior From invitation and graduation program had been her grandmothers abandoned attempt at recording her life It contained a title page Jessica F stone Fa Diarv of My Life 1927 and entry and poem tnat Jessie had read several times hoping to learn something about the woman she had been named for On the rest of the brittie vellow pages Jessie had carefully recorded her feelings that lonely summer 40 Her favorite place to read and write was a cool secluded spot in the woods about a mile down the road from her house She had found it one day near the beginning of summer when out of sheer boredom she had started taking long walks through the farmlands and woods that reached out around her new home Her special place as she came to call it was not too far from the road but it was entirely hidden Hugh rhodedendron and mount
16. was a promising move promising dogs and cats and open fields blueberries hunting and fishing Not that I didn t like New Jersey We had close neighbors parks and playing fields railroad tracks and Queen Anne s Highway where it was rumored little boys who did not look both ways before crossing the street sometimes got run over although I never Saw it happen But New Hampshire was where my grandparents lived and where we had spent our summers As I remember the days were always hot and bright and long filled with peaches hay and mosquitoes So there we were in a small farmhouse with a mowing machine at the back door and a bathtub on the front lawn We eventually had the tub installed but we never did have a shower And my grandfather built a bedroom for my brother and me right over the kitchen complete with a secret compartment in the bookcase where we could hide important forgettables Then it was September and time for school Now here was a challenge about which I had been nervous for some time I had seen Barnard School a two story structure with grades one through four downstairs and five through eight upstairs where I was entering the fifth grade There was a hard packed playground and a hand pump out front And although I didn t know it then there was no running water or central heat Instead drinking water was supplied by one of the older boys clearly chosen for physical strength who carried a bucket from t
17. what a naughty child I saw reflected there when I finally raised my 36 head Her eves whipped at v heart and hurt anv hairbrush could me worse than No I didn t confess I was tra j j 1 suffered sick at what saw in those blue ra what I did with the stamp I don t remember l hope returned it But gone was any joy I might have had with the contents of the little wax paper envelope in mv American Express folder 174 have to find other things to store there Mother s eves had seen to that anvwav had also seen to mv lonelv tears I guess Mother had reason to be disa j ppointed in me that year She worried that I was too fat but more important she knew I didn t read enough That was serious My sister Elise and Cousin Alice were readers thus easily winning warm admiration from Mother They were both long legged thirteen and book worms Being a book worm put one on the highest pedestal and assured one of immediate success in whatever one might undertake all through life This had been made abundantly clear to me by everyone who should know Mother my many aunts as well as my grandmother A letter from my grandmother written that year says Your mother tells me that you ve finished reading a I m so glad I hope that the joy of reading is finally clear to you and that you will continue Well I must have rea
18. able so that she wouldn t move under the doctor s scaple It was no use Eleanor died before morning 34 ADAM Svdnev fidam My bedroom which I shared with my sister was quite spacious The long room and the dining room beneath it formed an ell jutting out from the main part of the house Three square windows gave us views east over the terrace west Over the driveway and south across the valley to te hill beyond which was sharply outl ined by a row of cypress trees cypress trees drawn painstaking detail in my blue notebook The wide floorboards were bare and our two simple beds were at the far corners of the bare room One large closet and shelves were built into the white stucco walls Guarded by my bed on the left were my shelves It was there that I stored my notebook on that magic May day I remember very little about my sister that year We shared a room That was all Life for me was a series of adventures The sight and scent of the featherv vellow mimosa in March biting into a milky fig from our trees following th orange flame of the kerosene lamp up to bed these things enthralled me If I could have I would have kept the figs and mimosa on mv shelf and a little jar of Grasse smells but the best I could do was press mimosa in my notebook and that I did One can only store durable things You can t store smells But you can store stamps magic stamps from mysterious plac
19. ain laurel grew thick preventing the growth of anything except a luscious carpet of moss Into this green cave of solitude Jessie would slip away and read and write and dream As she sauntered along her mind jogged by Queen Anne s Lace and Benson School field rambled through over childhood memories of hidden forts and secret hide outs and boys and girls and Fool Aid stands She was startled by figure that appeared about 50 yards down the road That s funny she thought Why didn t I see him earlier Had she been so lost in throught that she had failed to see him approach Hardly likely Her heart beat 7 a little faster was certainly good looking Tall 7 about feet slim but muscular light brown wavy hair carelessiv combed but cut stylishly nonetheless and stunning ice blue eyes that sparkled as approaching closer _ he grinned and said Hi Jess thought I tnink I ve died and gone to heaven All summer long with no one and suddeniv this gorgeous hunk plunked down from nowhere and is standing here close for 7 me to reach out and touch You re new around here he began Old words but What a deep gentle voice AN Seductive that s it thought Jessie Yes we just moved in down the road She glanced in the direction of her house to help her affirm that she was not dreaming As she turned back to him she startled was staring at her though her the sp
20. alk was very slow and for the first time he realized how severely she limped His eyes fell toh f grotesquelv swollen from an open sore Mamae what s wrong His mother just shook her head He took a bag from her and sil entiv walked along si of her When passed Ze neither spoke Ze just 0 up the wheel and walked towards his house Get the baby Joao his mother finally said when they sez Tell Dona Marisa he won t be coming y er this She handed Joao three crumpled When Joao returned with Carlinh os his mother was lyi on the one bed in the room She even look e baby Joao set him down on the bed beside her and then sat on his mattress on the floor Dona Geri doesn t want me in her h ouse anymore She s oe of my foot She says she doesn t want me to touch anything in her house Oh Joao I never felt so dirty Joao had never met Dona Geri even th l ough his mother had es for her for three years She was an estrangeira and is mother was afraid of the questions she would ask if she e hin questions her own people never asked How old are rh grade are you You re ten and you don t go to school It was easier to pretend Joao didn t exist But Mamae didn t yout tell h better The medicine Mam er your foot will get ae the med you Didn t you ner icine the old ladv gave No Joao The medic
21. arkling eyes now cold piercing empty full full of what anger hatred malice 7 Jessie gasped Then like the sun popping out from _ behind a thunder cloud he smiled and his eves again were bright arresting and compelling Hid I dream that look What happening here M You come here often he said Was it a statement or 41 question Jessie searched his face for hint of that look but saw only one of the most gorgeous auys she had ever gazed up at There s not much else to do around here This town isn t exactiv jumping especially when vou don t know anvbody I just like to get out and walk it gives me somethina to do Jessie held her breath Had she said too much sounded too eager She felt stupid like a seventh aqrader babbline to some macho ninth arade crush How might vou are he said Tt lonely when you don t know anvone and don t know where to to meet people Again smiled God he s maqnifticent Jessie thought 1711 just have to show vou a few of the not spots He looked down at her again this time holding her with his eves knowingly Dossessivelv Jessie s head swam What s with this suv she thought her breath coming quickly met him five minutes aqo and he looks like he s ready to into bed with me Yeah that would be great Jessie stammered lis 1 Just remembered mom wanted to take shopping I ve gotta go
22. brother Chris had grown to become Tissa s loyal camp followers She had become not only a protectress as Carol had been for her but authority Tissa invented the games ordered activities and wrote the plays while they were her eager audience slaves and supporting cast It was an ideal arrangement no matter what Mamma said Today however the natives had rebelled Annie and Critter had shut her out of their Candyland game and had told her off amid a good deal of shouting and ill mannered recrimination on their part So with head held high book stashed and a hearty Who needs you twerps she had flounced out of the house down the porch steps and up into her hideaway Now as the effects of her magnificent exit had begun to wear off Tissa began to make a closer inspection of her surroundings She watched a green inchworm make its horseshoe gaited way across a leaf Grandma said if you found an inchworm on you it meant it was stitching you new dress Tissa plucked the inchworm from the leaf leaves don t need new clothes and put it on her wrist By the time the little stitcher had reached her elbow Tissa bored with the 4 itv sent it spinning into space with a flick of her activ finger The smell of summer roses drifted up from the lattice by the cellar door Tissa could just make out a splash or two of pink through the maple leaf screen shifting in the warm July breeze A bu
23. d It was a moment of good fortune Next to soccer their favorite pastime was taking a stick and seeing who could roll a wheel the greatest distance Joao had had a wheel like this before but when one s small in the favela his 28 belongings become community property had opted for the pain of giving it up over the pain of trying to keep it As if the heat had sidestep them the bovs ran to the top of the hill eager to start their game The last time Ze had beaten Joao six times to two bet va can t roll it all the fr barrel by my house to Edson s bar l a Edson s bar found halfwav down the hill was not much more than a stand which could be closed up whenever Edson chose to do so Edson ran a numbers game and a few other activities outside the law Although he bought his pigna from questionable sources none refused it because it was cheap and its fire kept dead men alive a little bit longer The faces leaning against vib Fae bee at Edson s never changed though the bodies id o e and Joao had been warned bv thei stay away from there si Who says I can t I ll bet i you anything I ve got th can What will you give me if I do Joao thought for moment owned nothi vour water up the hill he finally answered if you don t do it vou ll carry mine Now for sure I l1 do it Ze countered
24. d mittens and followed my nose to The Boys Room Oh horror of horrors it ws dark in there So if I closed the door I couldn t see And if I didn t close the door I could be seen The wind blew the snow hissed and I had to go something awful Now a further complication I couldn t unzip with my mittens on I took off my mittens and put them beside a hole into which I stared There four miles below was a Stygian blackness so cold and foreboding that my hands trembled With a sudden twitch I knocked one of the mittens into that hole It landed on the oily surface And then a reaction occurred so monstrous and frightening that I gasped and shrank back Fizzing and whizzing and bubbling and whirring that mitten was being consumed before my eyes I blinked once and by God it was gone I know the same fate awaited me were I to lose my balance I grabbed my other mitten and ran and never once during the next three years did I even contemplating returning as as ee A BIFT FOR FRIEND Heidi Steinberg I am looking for you Donna whose gypsy spirit I almost lost forever to Distance then to Death I am looking for you in the wild reeds tamed to embrace a circle the straw basket you sent from Zaire My thoughts creep in and out over and under the spiral of straw burrowing down deep into the pattern I discover our wholeness You return from the jungle fragile and thin I am speechless
25. d something or pretended I had Actually what I remember about books that year is the special feel of the paper smell of the binding and the fascinating woodcuts in the French history book I was given in school I remember the maps too I did learn the rivers of France Books were important at Tourlaque Winter evenings after supper Mother would read aloud It was Bleak House as I recall She d sit in an armchair near the long French window in her room with the heavy book in her lap Elise and Alice sat on her bed knitting or sewing happily as she read ohing and ahing giggling or crying as the story unfolded When it got dark Mother would light the kerosene lamp and read on Interminably for me and on No I wasn t a book worm and that was bad Not as bad stealing but bad There were other things about me that knew were bad too That time I spent in the closet with 37 e 228 4 gt amp 4 A i s gt gt mv two cousins just mv age I sensed was the worst It was positivelv sinful to studv the fascinating differences in human bodies as we had Foor Mother It would have been so much better if her youngest child had found adventures in books gt SWEET FANTASV Lvnda L Sorensen I was always shy Too shy to hit the pinata in first grade and too shy to scramble for the candy that finally fell to t
26. drinking and playing cards Fointing to the umbilical cord which was still attached he proudly boasted that baby goats were deliciously tender Needless to say from the moment the kids fed her milk from the baby s bottle her life was safe Earlier in a burst of economy Mamie had decided that she would raise chickens and thus assure herself of fresh eggs and the occasional chicken for the stew pot They all died of old age Biddy the last hen moved permanently into the kitchen when the coop became too lonely This gentle woman had tremendous courage Her first three children died in one night with diptheria while she was pregnant with her fourth Overnight that developing fetus was not to be an only child Seven years later death struck again This time it took her husband and left her a pregnant widow with four other children to raise During the massive diptheria epidemic of 1927 her youngest child died During the night anxious to know what was happening to their little sister Eleanor the two older children snuck down to watch the doctor Her faced pressed against the slats of the back staircase which led to the kitchen Edna watched with uncomprehending horror as the doctor slit Tootsie s throat in a desperate attempt to perform a tracheotomy to save the child s life She would always remember feeling the pressure of those slats against her cheeks as she watched her mother hold the baby s head down firmly against the t
27. e They just looked Clearly we had arrived from another planet and the assimilation process would take some time Then a teacher appeared on the steps and rang a bell We formed into lines and marched into the building At home the next day the process began all over again But this time when my mother had left us at school we knew something had to be done Not only were our pants too short but we had forgotten the twenty five cents necesssary to buy Our Weekly Reader We conferred briefly and then walked three miles to my grandfather s house where we arrived moaning about never returning to school My grandfather swore and said Those boys need some long pants and we were whisked to Fuller s Men s Store Larry got brown and I got blue and they itched like mad but our lives acquired a whole new outlook And life would have been perfect except that between 8 30 and 3 30 on school days I usually had to go to the bathroom Since there was no running water there were two chemical toilets attached to the back of the school In order to get there you walked along a latticed passage the wind and snow blowing through it And I never intended to make that trip One particularly cold day howwever I experienced a crisis that offered no other solution I crossed legs 24 shifted in my seat and tried to think of something else Frankly I was terrified But I received the obligatory permission pulled on my jacket an
28. e trunk and pressed her face into the rough bark until it hurt She went icc cold in the suddenly suffocating air The green leaf waves in 16 Her secret world had betraved her THE BALLERINA Ellie Derwin she whispered Mamma The fluiditv of her movement on stage brought me back to the present Her sautes were graceful always accentuating the suppleness of her slender body As she completed the final movement of Act I the curtain closed for intermission Walking toward the lobby my friend Bob spoke to me his face joyful his voice enthusiastic That last part was magnificent he said Wasn t she just like a deer caressing the forest She truly 15 a fine artist We continued to walk toward the fountain for some fresh air when the flickering lights reminded us it was already time to return to the auditorium for the second half of the performance Maam may I see your ticket the gentleman at the entrance sternly asked Muttering to myself as I fumbled through my purse I finally produced the desired item Open your purse he demanded as he had done at the beginning of the performance Once again I could feel the anxiety within me I quickly opened my evening bag and looked at Bob with now angry eyes as I felt the second intrusion of privacy in the same evening What was the purpose of the guards checking our purses and then lining the stage before the performance Tension was felt
29. ed Joao Hey look who s coming Dona Zelia shapeless in the tent like dress which hung to her feet lumbered up the worn pathway A brood of children in various stages of dirt cover noiselessly followed behind Meu Deus she s ugly exclaimed Joao At least your eyesight is working 27 Where does she go every day To the streets Ze replied kicking a broken bottle out of his way To beg Yeah to beg She take all those kids Sure that s how she makes people feel sorry for her She sits on the sidewalk with the baby sucking her tit while the others crowd around her And people give her money Sometimes She maks the kids hold out their hands when someone walks by If they don t she beats them Why d she have so many babies Mamae says that s all she knows how to do Would you ever beg Ze don t know I guess if I didn t have anything to Well I never would I d rather die first Hunger gnawed at Joao and Ze as they rummaged the trash heap They had long ago accepted the pangs as a natural part of life and didn t know that the people in the apartments where their mother worked never knew a similar discomfort Hey Ze Joao suddenly shouted a look Hel held up an old wheel froma baby carriage Maybe you re not so loco after all Ze said as he noted the rim which was still perfectly roun
30. en someone walked me back there To the house on Cutler Street He sists In his faded tapestry chair oversized A huge man with soft white hair I combed Flushed bouncy cheeks and A warm lap He like his majestic fieldstone fireplace oversees the room Soft blue eyes penetrate Clouds of pipe tobacco A pipe that seems a natural sloping of his mouth Faded pipe cleaners i twisted to odd shapes Clutter his large round glass ashtray Leather bottomed and never clean On a table of confusions Crossword puzzles yellowed letters Neatiy sliced open An old army knife Dniv the soft steady rhythm Of his mantle clock Beats to the silence But there was laughter Deep from the belly And always songs for me And one day exploring the attic He lumbered up the creaking stairway To a place he hadn t been in years Out of breath and slightly bent over He deliahted in my discoveries of old doll furniture A small cast iron stove Tiny cups and saucers of chipped china Dusty treasures Now somewhere else 47 ar i gt a
31. er day eee TRACES Noreen Rogers The dark hallway Like a tunnel Led to the kitchen Big as a bakery Filled with the aromas of cinnamon apples and memories And your rocker You were always In the kitchen When we came rocking in that chair beside the huge black range And smiling I see you now Looking like everybody s Image of a grandma a Norman Rockwell subject round aproned your rimless half glasses resting against pink Santa cheeks And your eyes my father s eyes beautiful auburn deer eyes Most of all I loved your hair Filed in a spiral like a bun A soft crown I loved to watch you brush The still chestnut strands long and glossy like a horse s tail Then head down You d twist it up And fasten it with a tortoise shell comb Your house had a Wraparound porch And stretched Front to back A series of single rooms and that tunnel But the house is gone now No trace remains And you re gone too Grandma But the traces of you Remain I now hold in my hand The tortoise shell comb And I look again at your eyes my father s eyes my daughter s eyes now my grandson s eyes Beautiful auburn leer eyes THE COUNTRY SCHOOL Ogden Morse My father was a teacher who liked to garden So when he took a new job in 1944 our family moved from Teaneck New Jersey to South Hampton New Hampshire It
32. er house became the natural rendevous for the neighborhood Beyond the simple fact of logistics the kids realized that this short stocky red headed Irishwoman was a kindred spirit Her muscular arms and strong red gnarled hands developed by years of housework could hurl a baseball with almost professional grace and speed or gentle down the train of wounded dogs cats and even racing pigeons which were brought to her in total confidence that she had the knack Don t worry Aunt Mamie ll fix it And often she did Baseball was the key link She was mad for it Often in the dog days of July and August Edna would walk into the house and find a note on the kitchen table that commanded her to hurriedly eat her supper grab her mitt and run down to the empty lot by the dike because her mother was coaching the South End Royals again The best of these times was surely the occasional expeditions to Ebbets Field to root for the Brooklyn Dodgers What a mad scramble would break out for the precious spots in Uncle F ewees s open touring car Then Mamie needed all her skill as an engineer to pack supplies and small bodies into every available space Cramped7 there s still space fpr one more She had to be a diplomat to comfort those left behind Like a politician on the campaign trail she d call back Next time to the hungry eyed knot of kids who watched the 3 pull away for the three hour trek down the Fost Road to the stadium
33. es and I did that too For a short while anyway A blue leather envelope was a special possession of mine It was the expandable kind with separate pockets on the front When the flap was lifted there in gold lettering were the words AMERICAN EXPRESS and under them in Smaller print TRAVEL DEPARTMENT It was lined in blue grosgrain I doubt that all the silks and spices of the orient could have meant as much to me as did that envelope Was it the roominess that suggested unending possibilities to me Or was it the gold lettering Only a ten year old would know But there is question that the pockets in the front were perfectly suited for stamps The memory of that enevelope is clear to me today And SO unfortunately is the stamp that found its way into the Pocket in front of the American Express envelope 35 ta a A eee Alice lost her stamp Aunty Dora says that Alice s best stamp is missing Mother stood in the doorway of my room Unblinking she repeated the words Alice s stamp is gone Her jaw was firm He blue eyes burned Those eyes Did people refer to them as sympathetic loving The market vendors the gypsies they saw them soft and warm But those magnetic blue eyes had a considerable repertoire It wasn t all lullabies Her family knew that I didn t take it I said But the color was hot in my face and weakness crawled down my arms and legs I couldn t run but wanted to No I
34. g room window Alreadv two men had jumped down from the cab The driver pulled out a silverv metal chute and headed for the vard stepped easily over the small hedge walked the forty some feet to the cellar window under the dining room and fitted the chute into the window frame His partner walked to the open back of the truck on which stood in neat tight rows the canvas bags of shiny black coal He hefted one onto his shoulder and like a drab Santa plodded to the chute Cra swoosh The black nuggets slid down the chute into the void For a second a black dust hovered in the air while the man trudged back to the truck for the next bag Cra swoosh The driver dumped in a bag Again and again robot like one coming one going the black men emptied the black bags into the hungry hole Each cra swoosh echoed in the house and sent a fine black soot seeping through the wide floor boards and onto sills and table tops Where does it go my brother asked I knew The coal would be piling up in the big square bin near the back of the cellar It was a dark forbidding corner even without the coal beyond the washing machine and set tubs beyond the big furnace that glowed red when the door was opened Stay away from the cellar my mother ordered Neediessly needlessly TISSA S TREE Gary Richardson The screen door squawked open and smashed wide agains the porch wall A figure all arms and legs and flying braids
35. h and saw him He was sitting on the moss smiling at her Her kneews went soft her legs folded and she knelt to the ground her heart pounded in her throat choking out sound and thought and her hands tinged as life came back to them Think think think she repeated to herself almost as an incantation You haven t been here in awhile he said Again those eyes How do you read those eyes I ve been busy getting ready for college Jess said her mind racing Do I run scream talk to him She could hear her heart pounding in her ears as she tried to clear out her head and think of what to say and do in the awkward silence that followed Keep things cool don t show him you re scared Get him talking then leave casually It s OF You re in control now Just don t blow it So what have you been doing with yourself lately Jess began Dumb Stupid The words echoed in the green cavern Waiting for you He spoke softly and looked up at her Oh I ve just been so busy buying clothes packing things have three suitcases and two duffle bags and a trunk and God knows how many plastic bags filled with things I never dreamed how many things you need to go to College Babbler Fool Get hold of yourself He s just amp nice guy who wants to talk to you Treat him like any other guy I didn t go to college he said Oh what do you do Jess replied That s better Good party conversat
36. he floor Too shy to ask for an ice cream cone or a flower from my grandfather s garden My shyness was a thief snatching away my delights making my sweet fantasies mere illusions I moved to the side and looked on at things When my mother took me to the shoe story every six months or so I would gaze at the wooden rocking horse in the back of the store The selection of shoes became secondary to this magnificent creature travelling alone in its own separateness releasing a promise to carry me on its back Even though it smiled at me with the eyes of a loyal friend I could not move towards it Instead I sat with my shyness and watched other children run towards the rocking horse sling their leg over the saddle grip the worn leather strap and secure their feet in the dangling stirrups I watched them gallop off the horse s head high the dense flesh of his belly breathing air rushing through his nostrils I sat poised with the shadow of my delight Months after my trip to the shoe store my rocking horse reappeared It was just a matter of waiting waiting for my father to come home from work waiting for the sound of the car wheels grinding against the pebbles When I heard that sound I would run to the back door and press my forehead against the screen There would be my father his lunch pail moving with the rhythm of his long strides I stood back for him to enter fis soon as he got through the door he would bend down to hi
37. he pump upstairs to an earthenware jug which he filled Each room also had a wood stove on which we dried our mittens and mackinaws after playing in the snow So the afternoons were filled with the oder of wet wool and if Howie Whittier had been working in the barn cows This latter aroma occurred despite our efforts to keep Howie a fifth grader whose father owned a dairy farm from putting his boots too close to the stove But more importantly I had seen some of the other kids They were big especially those eighth graders They were tough wearing dungarees and flannel shirts even to mn 23 5 4 4 4 2 7 f eS Nh aw MA L L school So it was with some real misgivings that I approached the first day My fears increased when my mother dressed the two of us in navy blue shorts knee socks and white shirts traditional attire in New Jersey I don t think this is quite right Ma Now don t you worry about a thing boys But Ma no one wears clothes like this You look very nice said my mother pushing us into the car I was dubious In matters of real importance a mother s eyesight is rarely 20 20 When we arrived at the school about thirty children of various ages were milling around the yard Larry and I tentatively walked forward until we were in the center of the group which gradually formed a ring around us No one spok
38. ine isn t working Can 3 was sick you go to the doctor Ze s mother went when she 4 ht pay him with what meu filho We don t even have or milk for Carlinhos when that can is empty She ed to the container of Leite Gloria on the shelf 31 ee a Sii 2 l i ODDA ee a a gt gt his mother s words settled upon him if around the one room of his house wet i i i tove fuele drinking and cooking at the 5 i t the multi purpose Da to the wooden chopping board a se insi i d carrying clothes d for rinsing dishes bathing an Fak of the hill for laundering at the water looked at the shelf which held Pete fede i j i an op Carl inho s half filled can of milk k ta i i 1 and an assortmen ions a container of cooking 22 containing beans manioc corn flour and a little sugar cold fear penetrated the heat what will we do His mother rolled over and faced the wall Go out on the streets Joao You mean like Dona 7 1 There was silence softiv she answered Yes like Zelia 32 AUNT Fat Brown She was Aunt Mamie to the rag tag group of kids Ludlowe Street With four children of her own she found that her corn
39. ion Nothing Suffocating silence let the word hang there Oh God He is crazy Forget the talk Just get the hell out of here Jess s eyes darted about Flease God Flease She stared horrified as he slowly started to rise As in a nightmare those nightmares where you re being chased and your legs won t move and you scream and nothing comes out and you finally get down on all fours like a hunted animal and pull yourself slowly painfully crawl away from danger Jess knelt paralyzed watching as he rose first to one knee then the other Act Act Now She was running branches slapped at her tore her face caught her clothes tripped her There was a sound outside of her a wild scream Her skin crawled in anticipation of his touch In the blankness of terror she heard him sensed him knew he was right behind her fi few more steps and she would be on the road Over the stream up the rock then she tripped and lay sobbing her body tensed her face buried waiting for that feared touch Nothing There wasn t a sound other than her diminishing sobs and pounding heart A few tired locusts trilled their fading summer song Slowly she picked herself up and started walking stiffly back to the road home She didn t even bother looking back She knew he wouldn t be there 46 Libby Rubin The silent presence The gentle power The memory I let go until yesterday Wh
40. l for the excellent care I had received Peter and I were very impressed with the technical expertise well groomed efficiency and humaneness of this hospital unit Hospitals can be good places to be where you meet some of the nicest people Louise in particular is someone unforgettable Florence Nightengale move over Louise the lark is here to stay a credit to nurses everywhere 18 MOTHER 1908 Jane Teaze In the family photograph outside the Vermont homestead you stand glancing sidewavs shifted slightly away from the other four staring directly at the camera their faces serious and set arranged in still life Scolded for keeping the family waiting a puckery smile keeps you from crying Earlier that morning you d been warned to stay neat The picture taking was all planned Sit in the front parlor Ethel And stay tidy Don t you skip out down the road But you did you sidled out across the back porch past the pump and down the road to the Higginses Did you want to show them the puffy ribbon tying back your smooth combed auburn hair Twirl around in your plaid dress Did they tell you how pretty you looked all ready for the photographer What with the whirling around you never heard them calling from the farm Ethelll Where s that GIFT They waited picture all composed but vou four grandmother Marv Jane in white starched blouse with voluminous sleeves stares at the camera unperturbed bv her grandda
41. m Da always chose her to row the boat at the lake on weekends when they drove up for picnics He d tell stories of when he and his Dad went fishing but mostly they d just sit in companionable silence while he cast for trout or bass and she trolled for anything that happened along Mamma organized the picnic and the swimming from the little beach The Millers from next door came along and there was much splashing and shouting Thank goodness she and la could be way down the other end of the lake Those Miller kids were brats No wonder Mrs Miller had those awful headaches lately and stayed home Mamma didn t mind though She packed up extra sandwiches and lemonade And Mr Miller was a good sport He helped with the picnic and stayed to teach the little kids to swim He s kind of good looking thought Tissa like Mr Rochester No wonder Jane Eyre was falling in love 11 that sadness and shadow Tissa watched through half closed lids the sun dappled leaves weave soft ripples of green light Now she was in the shallows of the lagoon Mafatu brave islander her knife clenched in her teeth ready to battle the shark Glancing down she watched the shark s shaggy black back and wagging tail wander beneath her tree in search of the neighbor s cat Even seemed unaware of her presence above She smiled a satisfied smile and opened her place the book But soon even Jane Eyre paled before the novelty of her sit
42. mble bee lured by the sweet essence of the roses came hurtling past her perch unmindful of the human occupant of the tree A robin cocking his head listened for his dinner in the Miller s lawn next door hopped a few feet listened again then tugged and tugged to retrieve his fat worm Tissa sighed What a wonderful discovery this secret spot If she were careful she could have this all to herself No one need know about it She could slip up here in a brief moment and the kids would never find her She could watch the world go by be the observer and not be observed What power what fun She snuggled back against her pillow once more Why shouldn t she have a place all to herself Mamma and Da had their own room and when the door was shut you stayed out Ma and Da It sure was good to have two parents Half the kids in school had splitsville families Mamma is so active and witty like Blanche Ingraham Tissa looked at the copy of Jane Eyre unopened in her lap Not that Ma rode a horse There weren t too many of those around here but she was good at tennis She could be soothing and sympathetic when things really hurt And Da What a noisy and gruff and tossing the littles about when he came home from the station till they squealed with delight He couldn t toss me around anymore Tissa stretched out her long legs At eleven she was taller than many Of the boys in her class and could outrun and outswim most of the
43. now you around He smiled confidently Jessie turned and walked toward her house Was he staring at her With which look She was burning to turn back and look at him She felt jike an idiot What an asshole Heres this absolutely awesome guy who gives you one look and you off like a scared puppy dog must think vou re a class A jerk he s still there I can I forgot something Jessie turned her head slightly not wanting to make it too obvious case he was still watching her Nothing He was gone For about a mile down the road there was nothing Just the same old road she had been walking down for the last Six weeks but somehow it looked different now like your house does when you first walk in after being away for a long time Jesus Either I m dreaming or I m cracking up I don t believe what just happened to me This is like something out of a low budget flick Or maybe a TV re run I Dream of Johnny If he pops out in front of me again accompanied by a ding 1711 now for sure that I ve l flipped Not bad Jess You re a real wit Reassured somewhat by this flippant turn of thought she walked home still puzzled Hi Hon You re back early yelled her Mom from the kitchen Yeah it s too hot out there I think I 11 just read in my room for awhile Jessie closed the door to her room and plopped onto her bed Her head still buzzed Why
44. orny today Davis Roberta Davis Roberta Davis Roberta All right my apartment On the fire escape We can wave to them as we come I 11 go home first You follow in ten minutes Too soon Make it an hour Or three You are nervous Is it your first time When you live a dorm 711 wrap myself up in a package and send myself UPS See you in three days Go already Bye bye Tommykins She gooses him Slip into something more comfortable l CONTAGIOUS CARING Vincenza Jane McNulty Hello she said with the warmest smile My name is Louise What s yours Jane I said quietly Follow me please As I walked slowly behind this nurse my mind began to wander Why was so fearful Anesthesia That s what worried me I kept thinking that I had been through it before and each experience was worse than the preceding one It took me longer and longer to regain consciousness What would happen this time Little did I know that today s operation would be one of the most positive experiences I have yet to have all because of the competent medical staff especially Louise From the moment Feter and I entered the ambulatory surgery center there was something special and different about this place The contemporary decor accented ina mauve and pink color scheme was bright and cheery There were positive vibrations in the air They seemed to say Have no fear Ever
45. s hands and knees On all fours he would neigh like a horse and I would jump on his back squeezing my knees against his flesh throwing my arms around his neck pressing my nose into his wavy hair the thick mane flying back sweeping away the darkening afternoon streets 39 MEWT d y THE SPECIAL FLALE Sue The summer sun beat down Tne weeds and wii lowers alona the side of the road drooped slightiv in the drv heat Phantom 54991 es formed in the road disappearing as gulchos they had come Jessie shuttled slowly through the sand at the side of the road smiling ruefuliv she Gluck ad some Queen bnne s Lace and rubbed it aigna the side ner Trace Renson School Field she thought out loud The field behind the fire house the one E used to cut through every day in the summer to to the schzo plaveround and play kickbal was Pir ed wrth sueens Lace and buttercups and those Snap things we N T i shoot at each other 6 4 seemed as if everything she saw or dig or neard nowadays brought back visions of her childhood Arter livina for her whole lite in one small town ner amily had moved after she had araduatec trom high school She krew mo One A whole summer without a single friend Her memories kept her company sometimes overwhelming her with feelina of loss sometimes comforting ner She had read more DOOK than she had ever
46. shot across the porch down the steps without touching any of them and was around the corner of the house before the door slammed shut again Tissa streaked to the foot of the large maple tree and with a quick glance around to see that she was unobserved the hopped up and grasped the lowest branch From here by walking her bare feet up the trunk she would ease herself over the branch and climb up to the crotch of the tree She disappeared into the curtain of green maple leaves above The branches here formed a perfect lap to perch in The lap of the gods she d thought when she had discovered the spot a week ago and she d come here several times since to revel in her secret place Once tucked away here no one could see her yet she could oversee the house and surrounding yard as well as that of their neighbors as if from a ship s crow s nest She could be Jim in Treasure Island escaping the dagger of Israel Hand She was Robin s trusted Alan a Dale waiting to pounce on the Sheriff of Nottingham Tissa took the porch pillow she had secreted here yesterday and plumped and worried it until just the right amount of it lay under her seat and just enough lay behind her back to protect her from the ridges of the bark She sighed contentedly and settled back to survey her domain before opening her book retrieved from inside her shirt Families what a pain A week before she d stormed from the house after a shouting match with
47. ssing you full on the lips He gasps Someone might come in You re right You are a film teacher Someone always comes in in films We ll get in the closet on she grabs his tie hauls him behind her The closet Sure We ll add little farce to the love scene You don t think anyone will come in there BUC os After you She opens door motions for him to go in She closes the door they kiss she aggressively he timidly and much abashed by her a reversal of old Hollywood films You taste good taste well Davis Good They kiss again she initiat ng he reciprocating Roberta Let s stay here all afternoon You have anything doing Davis Track practice at three But thev 11 start without me koberta Time to slip over to vour apartment for something less vertical Davis Never on the first date What would you think of me koberta I d lose all respect Think you were Just another trampy English Department Chairman Davis Sounds good Roberta Well Davis Good Good modifies the implied it in the sentence It in brackets RATA sounds good Thus you use the S djective good not the adverb Good Let s go The classroom door ta Thev freeze Whispered Who 1 p an t tell Custodian They ing kissing vevkins l 1 say Har
48. that Louise knew just the right things to say and her timing was perfect No wonder her calmness was u contagious her tender touch was so comforting How are vou doing Jane I was still pretty tired and gave a faint reply Once more Louise observed my anxious face Oh What s on your mind she asked Louise added Okay under the circumstances You re Oh I m little nervous as I take so long to wake doing just fine upa P She had been working since the early morning hours but when the anesthesiologist talks to vou discuss your her mood was cheerv and congenial vet verv professional fears and your past experiences He l1 know what to do i Well you seem to be coming around you think That is what I did during the prep interview Once you re strong enough to move to a recliner chair again some of the tension was relieved guess so Finally the moment for my trip to the operating room had arrived Peter kissed me telling me he loved me At 1 11 help you Louise s instructions I put on my party hat technically i i known as a surgical cap The pat from her caring hand was Louise guided me to the next station and offered me so reassuring Because I was so weak and unsteady from lack some liquid nourishment The ginger ale tasted so good 1 of food I was wheeled into the sterile room The cold l was tempted to guzzie it down but knew that was unwise at
49. uation She stopped reading to concentrate on the tiny spots of light dotting the poage They were thrown by the sunlight shafting through the worm holes in the leaves directly above had said during an eclipse these sun freckles imitated the exact shape of the shadow of the moon on the sun becoming more and more covered until finally they were all shadow as the eclipse progressed She must try that during the next eclipse Tissa yawned That probably wasn t for years She turned the page and once more became immersed in her book Foor Jane What would become of her It must have been a half hour later when Tissa slowly became aware of voices other than Jane and Mr Rochester Soft voices being quiet on purpose voices woman s Rich don t Someone will see us Let me go Anda man s can I Now that we have this how can I let you It was Mr Miller Why was he home so early Mrs Miller and the kids had left for their Grandmother s at the Jersey shore three days ago She had felt tired again Mamma said and thought the change would do them all good Yet the voices were certainly coming from the Miller back porch hidden now in shadow Tissa leaned forward I mean it not here The woman broke from Mr Miller and from the dark shadow of the awning Her figure was caught Just for a brief second in the bright sunlight before Slipping quickly into the house Tissa shrank back against the tre
50. ughter s deviation sits in the center a chair brought from the house She s seen manv cameras like this one no doubt has posed with manv of her nine children But vour mother also Marv Jane worn out bv three barely avoids a little frown Where s that Ethel Why s she not here Both women wear white blouses collars shrugging up around their chins How hard it must have been to iron all those ruffled pleats heavy puffs of cotton hot prescribed Women s authority in those white blouses 19 Their faces show New England firmness ro na Howard stands next to his grandma s chair subdued and proper dark pants dark shirt small tie the comb marks still in his wet hair And before him little Hilda huge morning glory bow tying up her blonde curls stands perfect waiting still as her doll in its wicker carraige Then Ethel races home they chide her she slides towards the group but not in the group a bit of distance sets her off as if thev ve said Now now vou would running off you stand there missy and think about it I love it that you ran away to play You brought back life into the family pose Your heart pounding dress billowing out above its low slung belt Whisps of untidy hair escape their clasp stocking twisted a real life guilty smile More life in you than in their fixed and formal faces I revel in your disarray This torn and fading photo vintage memory of a young
51. veyk ins hat heard Who is she gt ah ae Not a student They don t 44 l wi ta ta 2 5 p Harv Nancy Davis Harv Nancy Harv Nancy Harv Nancy Harv Davis Roberta No not here Someone might come I want to come It s Nancy Thistle Quizzically I just dreamed of them Let s go in the closet Davis looks terrified for a moment then tries a variety of faces and positions with which to greet Nancy and Harvey Her voice right outside door Oh come on Harvey I m awfully horny today When vou re horny we do it on the grocery line in Stop and Shop Now it s a different story Roberta starts to giggle to herself Not here I ve been caught in school before and it s rather embarrassing Let s go to your place You re getting old and boring Harvey How bout in the boiler room I ve got a key Why not in Milton s office for God s sake You want to get us fired He d have forgotten it by tomorrow anyway All right my apartment But not in bed And no missionary Roberta almost hysterical Fire escape ok Let s go Mr Imagination Ever since I lent you Joy of Sex you ve just been impossible They leave Roberta bursts out in hysterics Ssh they may come back That was awesome Oh come on Harvey She looks into Davis s eyes I m awfully h
52. ything will be okay Louise middle aged and of average height led me to the dressing area Her caring smile and quick and lively gait continued to keep me somewhat at ease The nursing profession would do well to clone her for the qualities of competence compassion congeniality and professionalism She is like a butterfly flitting from one flower to the next taking essential food and carrying away pollen on its feet to spread nature s beauty I shed my street clothes and donned surgical garb Louise conversed pleasantly as she took my vital signs and medical history Even her uniform was my favorite color pink It blended perfectly with her amiable smile and friendly personality Louise s keen eye noticed something was the matter with me What s wrong she asked You look a bit pale 15 I m quite hungry and weak because of the required Fant blood pressure frequently They had placed oxygen tubes under my nose to help me come to faster Fortunately I I know just what you mean Jane I m a breakfast felt very little pain only discomfort person too Don t worry when you wake up and feel like eating we will feed you well When the nurses were sure my condition was stable they let me rest I lapsed in and out of wakefulness and talked quietly with my hubby Feriodically Louise would return to I relaxed a little more and thought how fortunate for check on my progress her patients

Grace Under Pressure - University of Connecticut

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