GOD HELP US 20 pages
Contents
1. Neither do I I picked it up at the conference SAINT PETER embarrassed for GOD Oh GOD They want us to try and stay relevant beat Anyway my point is I m gonna open up an ice cream truck full of hell on earth END SCENE ONE 14 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe ACT ONE Scene Two LIGHTS UP on INTERIOR of the FERGUSON home The space is plain a sagging leather COUCH a yard sale T V STAND and wobbly BOOKSHELF fill one space On the wall above the BOOKSHELF is a framed PORTRAIT OF JESUS On top of the BOOKSHELF are a group of lit TEA CANDLES A small KITCHEN TABLE and two CHAIRS occupy the rest of the stage ENTER ISIAH FERGUSON 20 years old He has a DUFFEL BAG slung over his shoulder He drops the bag into the corner He takes off his JACKET and tries to cover the bag He moves to the REFRIGERATOR pulls out a BEER pops it open sits at the KITCHEN TABLE and drinks After a few beats he takes out his PHONE and sends a TEXT MESSAGE He moves from the KITCHEN to the LIVING ROOM ISIAH Let s see He tosses a middle finger at the PORTRAIT OF JESUS fuck you false icon He wets his fingers and extinguishes the CANDLES Sayonara false hope He fishes the REMOTE CONTROL from the COUCH cushions Hola chattering box of idiots and commence with suburban cherry on top ISIAH raises his BEER in mock toast then drains it He aims the REMOTE CONTROL at the TV but is interrupted by a REPLY TE2. fine REBECCA Is that a beer you re drinking ISIAH Yeah so REBECCA We talked about this You are not twenty one young man Rules are rules ISIAH tries to slug the BEER down REBECCA rips it away from him Did you snuff out my candles ISIAH Snuff No They must ve whatchamacallit died on their own REBECCA Good thing I picked up more Here She hands ISIAH a bag of TEA CANDLES Put these new ones in and light them 17 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe ISIAH places the CANDLES on the BOOKSHELF but doesn t light them REBECCA sets the table ISIAH I don t know why we keep doing this It s a total waste of time REBECCA Please don t ruin dinner ISIAH It s Arby s It comes pre ruined They sit and REBECCA extends her hands to ISIAH to pray ISIAH keeps his hands at his side REBECCA We re going to pray Now give me your hands ISIAH hesitates Isiah Ferguson Give me your hands ISIAH reluctantly extends his hands to REBECCA She takes them and starts to bow her head in prayer but stops short and flips ISIAH s hands over What s this ISIAH Nothing REBECCA A tattoo Don t you know that s the stupidest thing you can do That s a mark you ll carry with you for the rest of your life ISIAH Which based on god s hissy fit rate should be about a week give or take a plague REBECCA Is that a horseshoe ISIAH You ve got rosary beads I ve got a horses
3. SAINT PETER Now your holiness if I may changing the Divine Plan is quite a massive undertaking that requires lots of well people and chisels and stones H R will have to get involved It s rather complicated GOD Which is why you shouldn t be burdening my ass with idle chit chat from the wings 13 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETER Not to mention reversing several thousand years of precedent precedent you yourself set Perhaps we should consider more of a velvet glove in place of the iron fist A firm finger wag from god could go a long way to forcing people to mend their ways GOD All excellent points P but since I seem to recently recall something about a directive straight from fucking God to change the Divine Plan So let s defer to his judgment shall we Get going God s got ladders to climb SAINT PETER As you wish GOD We ve got to move fast on this People need to know I mean business If they won t quit me they need to know god s ready to crack open a can of ole fashioned oh come oh ye faithful hell on Earth whoop ass SAINT PETER You should know their faith is strong GOD Fuck that This is G Master G yo These people are no match for me When I get done with em they re gonna wish they never heard of me It s time to stomp the yard SAINT PETER Stomp the I m not quite sure I follow GOD Stomp the yard you know SAINT PETER I m afraid I don t GOD
4. understand god s ways doesn t mean we should surrender We re going to do what s right and pray REBECCA takes ISIAH s hands Our father who art in heaven ISIAH Six popes dead let s make it seven REBECCA That s enough As long as you live in this house you will show some respect for the lord ISIAH What are we even doing You don t have to pray anymore It s official god hates us REBECCA And I know I don t have to pray I want to And god does not hate us ISIAH He just announced it on CNN How many more popes and puppies does this guy have to put the pillow over before you figure it out REBECCA Well he didn t mean it He was having a bad day ISIAH Thirty seven straight REBECCA He was ISIAH Please don t say testing us You re worse than the Emergency Broadcast System REBECCA Isiah I have to believe in something bigger grander than myself You should too If you can t have faith in a nobler purpose what s the point of living ISIAH Believing in yourself sounds like a fresh start REBECCA Don t sass 20 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe ISIAH Mystery s over ma The Invisible Man behind the cumulous curtain has spent the last thirty seven days pounding our toes with a ball peen hammer every time we try to spiritually spoon God s not grand He s not noble He s just an old grump who wants us to get off his fucking lawn When are you going to
5. GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe Jeremy Kehoe 1691 Griffith Park Blvd Los Angeles CA 90026 323 644 0353 jeremykehoe sbcglobal net GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe ACT ONE Scene One Open to a WHITE STAGE doused in a bright but soft WHITE LIGHT A CNN style PRAYER TICKER scrolls across the back wall Interspersed among the scrolling prayers are requests for God s help resolving larger issues bringing peace to Middle East ending hunger etc but most are requests for personal favors There is a small LAPTOP on top of a WHITE DESK two WHITE CHAIRS sit perpendicular to the audience ENTER SAINT PETER clad in a WHITE ROBE flecked with red spots He RUSHES IN with a PLATE OF NACHOS AND a BOWL of SALSA He makes space for the PLATE and BOWL and gives everything a quick once over with a rag O S we hear the heavy methodic pounding of GOD S footsteps GOD Fe fi fo fum GOD ENTERS in full coloring book glory flowing WHITE LOCKS with matching BEARDand a regal WHITE ROBE cinched at the waist by a thick GOLDEN ROPE SAINT PETER wheels around toward GOD and kneels Psych I m just playin Pete Up up up C mere and give a creator a hug SAINT PETER rises and give GOD a timid hug barely wrapping his arms around GOD s shoulders You never were much a hugger were you P That s cool Whatever GOD takes a step back and twirls around So SAINT PETER So GOD Notice anythi
6. LING Why don t you show your face Coward NEWSCASTER On a more conciliatory note god did express his gratitude for the dramatic decline in prayers and again these are god s words people beseeching me for random useless crap and personal bullshit favors We hear the rattle of the key in the FRONT DOOR LOCK ISIAH quickly moves to take his bag off stage but as the door opens the best he can do is cover it with his JACKET ENTER ISIAH S MOTHER REBECCA mid 50s and a bit hunched from carrying the world on her shoulders She wears a ROSARY around her neck and she is carrying TAKE OUT FOOD in plastic bags REBECCA I ve got food ISIAH Please don t tell me it s REBECCA Arby s ISIAH Again How is that possible REBECCA It s the best I could do It s Armageddon out there Arby s is the only place where there s never a line ISIAH Speaking of Armageddon did you hear today s global warning REBECCA No and I don t want to ISIAH It s a good one Ooh wait They re gonna replay it again right now 16 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe REBECCA Turn that off ISIAH C mon It s a good one Mel Gibson gets boils REBECCA I said turn it off mister ISIAH Fine ISIAH clicks off the TELEVISION Click Happy REBECCA What s going on here ISIAH What REBECCA You look strange Like you re up to something What is it ISIAH I m fine Everything s
7. R The pearly s are just fine Everything is fine GOD Peter here s been debriefing me on the festering sore Earth has become under your watch war disease famine crime poverty torture genocide Snookie beat JESUS doesn t answer Can you hear me What s that music JESUS glumly Mariachi GOD You need to get back here now Am I crystal There is silence then a click Hello Hello He hung up on me GOD yells back up to the CEILING Calling Jesus fucking Christ We hear one PHONE RING then the beep of JESUS ANSWERING MACHINE JESUS Yo Jesus Message Beep GOD Oh ho ho Now I am biblically pissed It s incidences like this that send me boiling See this right here This is me boiling I m boiling huge GOD STANDS and furiously scratches his beard God s beard s getting scratchy to SAINT PETER My ass is on the fucking line here P I m going to have to make a decision GOD inhales and exhales deeply to try and steady himself What do you think Typhoons Earthquakes Volcanoes What I could use a little help here you know Chime any time SAINT PETER Well Your Holiness I m not quite sure any of those would quite be the best solutions to this problem GOD Ooh Asteroid Yeah that d do it I know a guy in the Kuiper Belt He owes me SAINT PETER does not react to GOD s plan What What s the matter Asteroid s perfect SAINT PETER Far be it from me to quest
8. SAINT PETER can only muster a faint smile SAINT PETER weakly Yes good one GOD suppresses a few more chuckles GOD OK Lay it on me Pete But seriously make it lickety cuz I gotta bounce God s got places to be GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETER OK Well GOD Hold up What s with all the heat I m sweating my Matzo Balls off SAINT PETER Actually that s one of the reasons I wanted to meet It seems the people on the blue planet have failed to accept that their individual actions have a collective impact larger than themselves GOD That s because they re morons SAINT PETER Yes we are all aware of your Eighty Percent Asshole Rule Your Holiness However GOD They re morons Pete SAINT PETER If we could just quickly go through my presentation I think you ll see there are some larger issues on that planet that will require more direct GOD I m thirsty Where s my Coke Zero Angel GOD yells up to the HEAVENS Coke Zero We hear the sound of a PHONE ringing You sure you like the hair An ANSWERING MACHINE beeps then the sultry voice of the COKE ZERO ANGEL COKE ZERO ANGEL Hi You ve reached the Coke Zero Network We re so sorry we can t fulfill your immediate Coke Zero desires But leave us a message and we ll make sure your eternal Coke Zero fantasies come true Bye now Another BEEP ends the call GOD What the hell s going on here What
9. XT He reads the TEXT drops the REMOTE and marches over to his SUITCASE He picks it up stands for a few beats then drops it He goes to the KITCHEN grabs another BEER then clicks on the TV and sinks into the COUCH NEWSCASTER Day thirty seven The heavens parted again today and god let it be known that quote time was a tickin and that he was prepared again quoting here to uncork a golden chalice of biblical whup ass on the human race unless they leave me the me being god the fuck alone God also announced he had deleted his Facebook page God also announced that he no longer wants to be called god or heavenly father or your holiness or supreme being Instead he now wants to be called Joe ordinary bar stool cratering Joe On the domestic front the Bible Belt got a biblical bitch slap today when busloads of nuns orphans and abandoned puppies simultaneously slammed into the remaining churches below the Mason Dixon line burning them all to the ground The cause of these crashes is well I mean seriously do we really need to ask that question anymore 15 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe NEWSCASTER CONT D In international news Pope Elect Mel Gibson was the sixth pontiff to be struck down in the last six days Gibson was beset by a series of horrific boils The weather forecast for Rome tomorrow calls for hail with heavy downpours of locusts ISIAH screams to the CEI
10. anges GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD INHALES deeply then EXHALES loudly directly into SAINT PETER s face SAINT PETER turns away at the odor of GOD s TORTILLA CHIP breath GOD All right Let s take stock of the flock SAINT PETER Now I know things may look a little dicey at first so I want to encourage you from jumping to any immediate conclusions GOD P Dog please How long have we known each other huh We ve both tossed some pretty crazy shit storm salads in our day right How bad can it be Fire it up SAINT PETER click starts computer presentation takes a few steps back SAINT PETER I ve set it at god speed GOD Fine fine fine Damn I m thirsty The presentation whizzes along at god speed GOD scans the screen with disinterest at first but his eyes widen until they nearly burst from their sockets Whoa whoa whoa What the fuck What the fuck is this These people put my name on all that What the fuck is going on I didn t sign off on any of that SAINT PETER I know there are some distressing moments GOD Distressing moments What the F P This is the worst fucking place in the galaxy I step out of the office for a big bang blink and these people hit every Deadly Sin in the book and twice on Tuesdays This is a calamity SAINT PETER I know it looks bad However GOD However nothin You don t understand I can t have this There s already talk of demoti
11. believe your own eyes and leave him alone REBECCA What did I just say about language I experienced an awakening through god That was real He was real ISIAH You know what you are You re a sinner REBECCA I am no such thing I am a devoted and faithful servant of the lord ISIAH God s telling you to leave him alone to stop believing in him and you re straight up disobeying a direct order You re the poster child for the Eternal Damnation three cent stamp REBECCA Maybe god is confused Maybe he s ISIAH Testing us Right REBECCA I know this is hard but god is challenging us to find our moral center Isiah We can t abandon our morals We can t abandon god I won t let you ISIAH God s slurped down your devotion and vomited scotch all over it But instead of letting go you cling tighter That s the definition of insanity REBECCA That s not true None of that s true God rewards the faithful ISIAH He does Really Where s your evidence REBECCA You want black and white answers for god s actions I don t have any My faith is my answer 21
12. hoe What s the difference REBECCA Why would you do such a thing ISIAH Ever since god s clipped the leash everyone s doing whatever they want This is what I want 18 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe REBECCA Branding yourself with some superstitious symbol ISIAH thumbs the ROSARY around REBECCA S neck ISIAH Pot calling kettle Pot calling kettle Come in kettle REBECCA What s gotten into you Tattoos Talking back You can do better I know you can ISIAH For the first time I m doing what I actually want No one judging me No one left on heaven and Earth cares Why should I REBECCA I care ISIAH You shouldn t How much more evidence do you need REBECCA All this is a test God is simply testing us Testing our ability to believe in him ISIAH LAUGHS He is ISIAH You should be happy ma You used to have to die to know if you punched your Holy Roller ticket Now all you have to do is flip on CNN to know what an asshole the attic dweller thinks you are REBECCA That is enough ISIAH It s not personal Everyone s an asshole in his eyes The only mystery left down here is why you re trying so hard to cozy up to the Holy Snubber REBECCA I haven t given up hope ISIAH Hope s a Tickle Me Elmo mom No one has it anymore Give up Everyone else has 19 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe REBECCA Maybe they ve abandoned hope But I can t I won t Just because we don t
13. ion Your Holiness s wisdom GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD Far be it SAINT PETER I was thinking maybe more along the lines of a good talking to from Your Holiness This species does have some redeeming qualities Maybe they could be saved GOD Saved Did you see the Crusades The Inquisition Witch trials The Holocaust For shit stain s sake did you see the Holocaust Pete SAINT PETER I have However maybe salvation for this species is still a possibility GOD And maybe dog shit tastes like pumpkin pie Doesn t mean I m dialing up room service for Cool Whip GOD leans back yells up to the CEILING Not that anyone seems to care what the lord almighty might want in this place SAINT PETER You re thirsty Let me dial you up that Coke Zero GOD No Nevermind the Coke Zero This ends now I am not putting my holy hiney on the line for these self aggrandizing self important self seeking self entitled self consumed self centered flock of narcissistic fuck ups These people have pecked through my patience wall Game set match I m out They re done SAINT PETER Let s just take a deep breath Remember deep breaths GOD I don t want to take a deep breath SAINT PETER Now we both know you just can t go kill everyone down there GOD Why not Says who SAINT PETER You don t want to be like they are do you You want to be bigger than they are right GOD calming Well maybe I
14. kind of heaven is this when the boss can t get order up the eternal and everlasting elixir There used to be a time Pete There used to be a time when I could snap my fingers snap Like that and so many angels across the heavens would flap their wings to serve me a cocktail there d be a monsoon GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD CONT D Hell I didn t even need to ask All I d have to do was think drink and saints by the ark load would be tripping over themselves to slake my thirst with that carbonated Council juice Now I get answering machines W T F SAINT PETER Yes well angels today certainly not the greatest generation GOD In my day you d get communicated with an X for shit like this SAINT PETER If we could just get on with my presentation Your Holiness GOD brightens Your Holiness GOD musses up SAIT PETERS HAIR All right Show me whatcha got pretty momma SAINT PETER moves to the LAPTOP and turns it to face GOD SAINT PETER Now GOD Wait SAINT PETER Oh good lord GOD Isn t Elijah supposed to be in this meeting SAINT PETER I texted him but he never replied GOD That son of a bitch is never on time SAINT PETER I left the door open for him GOD Forget him Close the damn door And lock it SAINT PETER rises closes the DOOR sits back down I m gonna tell you something I m tired of this bullshit There s gonna be some changes around here Big time ch
15. ng different SAINT PETER I m sorry Your Holiness I don t GOD Haircut Haricut I got my haircut Geez you re supposed to be my eyes and ears Pete SAINT PETER Sorry GOD Ah it s OK beat Well GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETER Well GOD Do you like it Geez you re makin me fish here Pete SAINT PETER Oh yes yes yes It s very nice Very uh flattering GOD It better be Cost enough Fat lot of good it did me with the Galactic Council I tell you this middle management stuff is steaming shit in a paper bag Do you have any idea what it s like to sit at a meeting and know that no one respects your opinion To have every idea you toss around get tossed out To have people talk right over you I swear m never gonna make it out of this two bit galaxy GOD lets out an exaggerated sigh Nevermind No one wants to hear god s problems beat This is the part where you re supposed to say Really I care Tell me more SAINT PETER I m sorry GOD Forget it I don t want to talk about work anymore It s boring What s been going on around here How long was I gone for anyway Felt like a thousand years SAINT PETER Two thousand actually GOD Two Man those corner office Council types never tire of climbing the mountaintop and chewing the scenery SAINT PETER Yes time does fly Your Holiness GOD Holiness Manners You re Old School Pete That s
16. ng me to the piss ant Wilman Galaxy If news of trouble out here in the sticks leaks upstairs they Il send me straight out to schlep rocks with Sisyphus until the cows get tired of mooing This is no good This is no good What do we do What do we do Think think SAINT PETER May I suggest GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD Yes No Wait OK Hold on Yes Right Here s what we do We pull the plug on this rinky dink planet Whiz bang Now Where the hell is Jesus SAINT PETER doesn t answer Pete Where the hell is Jesus SAINT PETER Well see the thing is the thing is no one s quite sure where Jesus is GOD No one s quite sure What the hell does that mean When s the last time anyone saw him SAINT PETER Well there was a sighting in a burrito in Mexico City but that was a while ago GOD up to the CEILING Calling Jesus We hear a PHONE RING two or three times then a voice on the other end JESUS His voice is nearly drowned out by the sounds of a raucous CROWD as if JESUS is in a crowded bar JESUS Hello This is Jesus I aims to please us GOD Jesus this is your father JESUS loudly Who aside Just water for me thanks GOD yelling The almighty father damn it JESUS Oh pop Hi um you re back What do you know GOD That s right I m back I ve got Peter here JESUS Pete How are the pearly s hangin GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETE
17. se You inserted into the bylaws after you sent Jesus down with the user s manual and the folks in the basement nailed him down and shipped him back Frankly we had all but forgotten about it until DaVinci rediscovered it He s a bit of a nosy noodge I ll admit And it is a rather arcane rule but it is a rule nonetheless GOD So it s arule So what I m the boss My heavens my rules I can do whatever I want SAINT PETER more frustrated But it s your law You d be breaking your own rules GOD Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Tone Sainty P tone God don t cotton to your extra decibels You feelin me SAINT PETER Well I well I was merely stating I m sure I didn t mean to ah I certainly didn t mean to offend GOD Don t toot in your toga Stammering Sam I m not gonna send you downtown to spend eternity as Satan s snuggle bunny Although you know I could just like that GOD snaps his fingers And don t you forget it beat So what do we wait does my breath smell like nachos GOD releases a lengthy exhale into SAINT PETER s face SAINT PETER doesn t flinch Quite the contrary It s heavenly GOD Good yells up to the ceiling God doesn t need a Coke Zero Hear that to SAINT PETER So spill What exactly do I have to do to get these jack offs to stop hounding my ass for meaningless crap twenty four seven And give it to me minus the shalt s and shant s and
18. suppose 10 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD CONT D Wait Oh I get it Yes yes yes I see it now You don t think I can pull it off do you This is a dare Is this a dare Are you daring me SAINT PETER I would never question the wisdom of Your Holiness GOD Enough If you butter me up one more slice of that Your Holiness Bread I m gonna hit the roof It s settled My Asteroid Plan s divine and we re going with it SAINT PETER That is certainly an option GOD Yes it is isn t it SAINT PETER But I do wonder what the Galactic Council would say if you suddenly reset the evolutionary dial on one of your field offices back to the land of gnats and rats Wouldn t exactly be a resume builder would it GOD I guess I just wish I could just fire everyone down there Can t I do that Wipe this one species out and start fresh You know new and improved Wait Can I fire everyone SAINT PETER You could GOD Great Let s fire away SAINT PETER However GOD Ach you and the howevers I swear We should start calling you Saint However deep breath calmer All right Give me the however SAINT PETER It s true you can pull the plug You can up and leave everything and everybody behind GOD Yes Good However 11 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETER However there is a little matter of the DaVinci Clause GOD The who what now SAINT PETER The DaVinci Clau
19. thou s and thee s I want plain English 12 GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe SAINT PETER Simply put the DaVinci Clause states that god that s you can abandon the Earth if and only if every single inhabitant renounces his faith in your holiness Not an unsubstantial task GOD Wait Are you telling me any half assed schmuck who refuses to stop slinging fifty cent prayers at me can sink my divine plan and cram my career in the crapper SAINT PETER Everyone has to give up hope It s the law You re law GOD Oh yeah Well here s another fact hot off the presses god s Divine Plan has changed SAINT PETER Changed GOD You heard me changed revised adjusted updated and upgraded God s new Divine Plan is leave god the fuck alone SAINT PETER I m sorry I m not sure I quite heard you correctly GOD You heard me fine Unless everyone stops begging me to pull their ass out of the fire one more time not a single one of them gets their ticket punched to the champagne room We insert the standard fire and brimstone boilerplate you know Anyone who disobeys so sayeth the Lord yada yada yada and boom we re done GOD stands and begins visualizing his plan SAINT PETER doesn t move Yes yes yes Leave god alone Leave god alone or else or else what Or else god will GOD turns sees SAINT PETER Are you still here Go go go Tick tock I ain t Job
20. what I always liked about you SAINT PETER I brought you nachos GOD Oooh Nachos I m famished GOD HELP US By Jeremy Kehoe GOD rushes over to the table sits and like a rescued castaway begins jamming fistful after fistful of chips into his mouth He pauses only occasionally to dip the NACHOS into the SALSA frequently double dipping His hands and face quickly become a mess The sight repulses SAINT PETER GOD Have a seat Pete SAINT PETER SITS while GOD continues to feed his face Mind if I meet and eat SAINT PETER We are in your house Your Holiness GOD Always liked you Pete First time I saw you I said Now there s a guy with a good head on his shoulders Not like that John the Baptist nut job GOD roars loudly at his own joke SAINT PETER flashes a strained smile pulls the CHAIR a few feet away from the desk then sits GOD dives back into his NACHOS SAINT PETER leans to avoid GOD s spittle GOD finally leans back and sighs then wipes his hands on SAINT PETER s ROBE again Whew Hosanna in the Highest Not bad Not bad at all Who s the chef SAINT PETER Mother Teresa GOD Never heard of her SAINT PETER Fairly new She can lean on the holier than thou crutch a little once too often for my liking but she certainly knows how to tame an oven GOD So I got your text What s up You ve got fifteen After that I gotta make like the Red Sea and split GOD explodes in laughter
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